Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I want a new drug

Tough Times
Originally uploaded by BlueisCoool

Today I was able to get to the doctor’s office to discuss my lack of sleep. I’m not sure if I have ever actually met the doctor I’m assigned to. For many years I have chosen to see the office physician assistant, who also worked for my prior doctor for a few years. Going in for medical appointments during these past couple of years has been extremely helpful to me. My provider has walked a similar path that I am on, as he suffered the loss of his wife not too long ago. As many of you understand, the less you have to spell out for people, the better, and sooner, they can help you.

It has always struck me as difficult, if not awkward, to clearly state what it is I am needing, or concerned about when at the doctor's office. At any medical appointment you have to go through the routine procedures, weigh in, get your temperature taken, get your blood pressure and pulse checked. Then, the not so simple question is asked, “What brings you in today?” My first thought is always, “How much time do you have?”

I always seem to sail through the initial procedures. My weight has never been an issue; well not as far as my health is concerned. I’m a scrawny guy, skinny, and on the shorter side. Growing up I was constantly trying to put on weight or muscle. It could take me months to put on a few pounds, only to lose them within a week. Growing up, all I ever heard from others was “You should be grateful…” Oh, really? How many guys do you know want to be that guy that gets sand kicked in his face while on the beach?

My temperature is normal, which to me is a bit disappointing. After all, I am Latino, and by birth right my temp should run a bit hot. Right? Well, Michael thought I was. Okay, I’m playing with his words. What he really said was that I am hot tempered. And if you read my post about moaning, you can attest to that. As far as BLOOD pressure and pulse, well they are fine in the general sense, but once again, my blood has been contaminated by grief’s toxins.

Which leads me back to that not so simple question, “What brings you in today?” The simple answer of course is insomnia. Yet for my medical providers, this is nothing new. I have suffered from insomnia all my life. What I am experiencing presently is quite new. And without knowing that I am a recent widower, that I am still in a state of shock, any other provider would not understand what I am expressing. It’s not simply that I'm having trouble falling asleep. I do eventually take my sleeping pill, often with no results. What I am experiencing is the lack of desire for sleep. I don’t seem to value sleep right now. My friends ask me all the time, “Aren’t you feeling tired by the end of the night?” “Hell, yes, I am exhausted.” But right now I don’t see it much different from my wake state. I get through each day, but completely numb. Once in awhile I find something of interest to occupy myself with at night, but for the most part I sit, feeling numb. The transition to bed, and then to sleep, doesn’t change this feeling. If I do sleep, I don’t dream. I don’t feel rested, so there really isn’t much of an incentive to sleep. I know this will change in time, but for now I still feel like I am drifting aimlessly. Well, not aimlessly, I do know that I am working through my grief.

Life served me a healthy dose of reality. It was a hard pill to swallow, and I'm still choking on it. (didn't think I would get through this without these cliche's did you?) But in my grief, and through the waking hours, I do try to remind myself that what I had was good. Yeah, I know, I still have him.

"I want a new drug, one that lets me sleep. One that helps me get through life, one that won’t make me weep."

"I want a new drug, one that brings back hope, one that helps me to be strong, one that won't make me mope."

(Stupid take on the Huey Lewis song.)

I want a new drug - one that won't make me sick

One that won't rnake me crash my car
or make me feel three feet thick.
I want a new drug - one that won't hurt my head

One that won't make my mouth too dry
or make my eyes too red.
One that won't make me nervous
wonderin' what to do.
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you
when I'm alone with you.
I want a new drug - one that won't spill.
One that don't cost too much
or come in a pill.
I want a new drug - one that won't go away

One that won't keep me up all night
one that won't make me sleep all day.
One that won't make me nervous
wonderin' what to do . .
I'm alone with you
I want a new drug
- one that does what it should

One that won't make me feel too bad

One that won't make me feel too good.
I want a new drug
- one with no doubt

One that won't make me talk too much

Or make my face break out.
One that won't make me nenrous

Wonderin' what to do. . . .
I'm alone with you
I'm alone with you


  1. i get very nervous asking for meds, i get nervous asking for help in general. you can swap bodies with me, besides, i dont like the beach all tht much. im enjoying sleep in a normal state but who knows how long it will last.

  2. i'm sorry insomnia has you in it's grip. i'm not, what is the term? i do not have productive sleep. i always hated that term, productive. like sleep is another job to be judged.

    but i've never been a deep sleeper. i've always had one ear open. but when i met my Dragon, i slept. i trusted him and i slept the best of my entire life while he was here.

    hot green tea, books, my drawing tablet, music, and no expectations. that's my personal regiment before bed. then water, books, drawing tablet, music, and still no expectations.

    i wish it were better for you.

  3. I think not sleeping is a kind of natural defence mechanism. I found I could survive on very limited sleep, for quite a while. The truth was, I preferred to stay awake and think.

    I thought a lot, and I slept very little.

    Years later, I find my relationship with sleep has completely changed. Sometimes I do lie in (when possible) but in general I still sleep less, and I rarely go to bed as early as I used to.

    The truth is that mindless relaxation just ain't what it used to be. One thing you learn in this experience is that life's too short, and I have a real desire to get on with it.

    Best wishes from London -- and spirits up.

  4. Wouldn't it be great if there was such a drug. I would love to be on that Brand Marketing Team - it would be a walk in the park.

    I think Roads has a valid point ... it's a self-defense thing added to your existing insomnia.

    I hope you find some meds that help. None suited me so I just rode it out till my body eventually gave into exhaustion. But I didn't already have insomnia, so would imagine it will be a little more complex treating your sleeplessness.

    You have a full time career, children and a house to run, you are grieving. You need time to reflect on everything, to process it, to grieve ... when you look at it from that perspective, there is not a lot of time left in the day for YOU and YOUR GRIEF ... could be a reason why you are laying awake so long, it's the only time you get.