Originally uploaded by *MSM*
In the English language, blue may refer to the feeling of sadness. "He was feeling blue". This is because blue was related to rain, or storms, and in Greek mythology, the god Zeus would make rain when he was sad (crying), and a storm when he was angry.
Blue is how I would describe my mood today. It's not a deep dark blue, like how you would imagine down deep in a well of despair. I have had many days like that in the past. It is hard to know if those days are now behind me. I certainly hope so.
Today's blue is calm, cool, but not collected. I actually feel a bit scattered in my thoughts. Earlier I was looking out my bedroom window, and could feel the coolness of the air permeate through the glass. When I looked up at the sky I saw that it's color was becoming deeper the longer I sat.
Deep Blue Dreams
Originally uploaded by harikrishnanbhaskaran
One thing that I have noticed, and I don't know if this is primarily a male thing, but when I am feeling sad, or blue, I can easily get angered. The kids might say something to me, and without warning I erupt. So much for the calm and cool. I don't like when this happens, as then I am suddenly seeing red. At least I have some awareness of this, and am trying to work on this. (Note to self, "cool it")
I really feel for my kids. This cannot be an easy time for them. They also lost someone. They too tried to prepare for his loss, but as we adults know, all the preparation in the world is not going to necessarily make it any easier. What I worry about is not only did they lose their step dad, but for the past four months they have lost a big part of me.
I am just not as present as I used to. I go through the motions each day, waking them, reminding them to be prepared for their day, and making sure they have homework done, and something to eat before the end of the night. What is lost is the parts in between. I suppose it is what we consider the joy of living. I tend to take a lackluster approach to life these days. I am trying to work on it, and some days I have a better handle on it than others. My kids need more, probably more than I can give at the moment.
I'm aware that I am in a much better place psychologically these past few weeks. The kids don't find me completely falling apart. They see more of the quiet side of me. I am often lost in my thoughts or teary eyed. That part seems okay with them. And, I suppose it could always be worse, right?
I tell myself that what I am doing is enough. This is a message that a previous therapist used to tell me. When your kids need so much, it often feels like you are always falling short. My 16 year old son just called to talk to me on the phone. During the week he lives in a residential program for boys with emotional challenges. I am currently looking for a new school for him here in San Francisco. The idea that he will be back at home full time has him very excited, yet also quite anxious. Tonight he called to talk about his feelings, and to let me know that his day didn't go very well. As he was speaking I found myself feeling anxious as well. He then stopped and asked how my day went. I told him it went fine, and that his younger brother had a couple of appointments I needed to get him to, so I was only able to work half a day. He said that I sounded sad, which I confirmed that he was very perceptive. I assured him that I would be fine, and that this was just part of what my days are like. He seemed to understand.
Just thinking about that conversation makes me appreciate my son. Even with all his challenges, he offers me so much. I know that we will have some difficult times ahead as a family. We are all grieving, and we are all needing to keep moving forward.
Originally uploaded by ARTeTǝTЯA
My mood appears to be picking up. Taking the time to write is such a powerful medium for me. The process always helps me to better identify what I am feeling. Once I can identify it, then is doesn't feel so burdensome or overwhelming. I am then better able to just sit with my sadness, sit in shades of blue.