Monday, January 11, 2010


Moan: a. A low, sustained, mournful cry, usually indicative of sorrow or pain.
b. A similar sound: the eerie moan of the night wind.

Pain, Outake.
Originally uploaded by flightlessXbird

I am so miserable today. I haven't had a full nights sleep in so long. My head is either pounding with pain, or filled with the ever present sensation of static auditory auras. It is all driving me fucking nuts. I hate life today. All I can do is moan, moan, moan.

I hate trying to be strong. I hate trying to maintain sanity. I hate smiling in public. I hate pretending that I am any better than....yesterday, last month, two months ago, three months ago. fuck!

I just want this all to be over. What is the point of all this suffering? I'm not going to be rewarded for it. There will be no fucking break on my taxes. I'm not going to be a better person because of all of this. I am going to be bitter. I am going to grow old alone. I'm not going to know any joy. That is such bullshit.

I think everyone who tells me that it will be okay, is lying to me. I think that everyone who tells me this, doesn't know my pain.

LOOK PEOPLE!! If you turn to your left, or to your right, and your partner, spouse, husband or wife is sitting there next to you, then do me a favor, don't tell me you know my pain. Don't give me kind words right now. I'm so damn mad right now.

Don't want to hear this? then don't call me. Don't want to see my pain? slam the door in my face. Don't want to catch this? then send me off to some lonely island.

I don't want to hear about your parties. I don't want to hear about your fun times. I don't want to hear about how annoying your spouse was today. Mine could be a royal pain in the ass sometimes, and I want him back!

Am I angry? Yes. Am I angry? YES.

See how much I hate my life right now? What did I do? Why did this happen to me?

I want Michael back. I promise to do whatever God wants me to do. I promise to be a good boy. I promise to smile at strangers. I promise to walk old ladies across the street. I promise to do all my homework. I promise to eat all my vegetables.

I promise to work hard. I promise to study hard. I promise to sing in the choir. I promise to be there for everyone. I promise to play nice, be nice, look nice, smell nice, feel nice. sound nice, speak nice.

What do you want me to do?

I know it's too late. But I asked you for this before. I asked for you mercy so long ago. I asked you to give me this one thing. And I asked you so nicely.

What happened? Didn't I ask correctly? Did I forget to say please?

Michael was a good boy. He did all the right things. He was a wonderful man. He was a wonderful lover, partner, husband, son, brother, uncle, step-dad, worker, friend. What else did you want from him? I'm sure he did it? Maybe you weren't looking? Maybe you missed it?

I feel like I had the wrong owner's manual all this time. I thought I had done all that I was supposed to. I wasn't asking for something other people didn't have. I just wanted the same, to be happy.

Fine. This is my life. I get it. No, don't worry. I said I'll be just fine. I'm always fine, right?

No, don't tell anyone about this. Don't worry about me. I'm calming down now. I'm sure it was just a moment of weakness. I'll be fine. No, really.

I've calmed down. Oh, yes, perfectly fine. What? Oh, yes, your right, I am blessed. What? Of course, I am happy that I had him for that short time. No. I said I'll be fine. Listen, it is what it is. Right?

Don't worry. No need to bother. No, no, no.

You're right, you're right. Time does heal. Look at me.

I'm healed already.


  1. Vent, scream, shout and holler all you like. We'll all do it as a group therapy thing, together.

    This morning, I sat with my hand on the car's horn, solidly for around 2 minutes. Everyone was laughing at me and my gall at doing so. The people I did it to didn't seem to be able to hear it, and didn't even turn to look.

    So shout!


  2. It felt so good to get it out. At first I found myself editing my words, then realized how ridiculous that was. This is my place, and if I want to scream and curse, well that's what I will do.

    Thanks Boo. Maybe someone caught you, with your horn, and will upload it on YouTube. You can become the next sensation. Were you also singing? Who knows, if Susan Boyle can do it???

  3. I'm right along side you Dan.

    I understand. I hear you. And good for you not to edit (I always worry about my Grandma getting upset if I curse . . . =)


  4. Thanks Chelsea. I feel like I'm losing my mind, which would be a welcomed change of pace.


  5. There is strength and power in honesty. So often I hid my real feeling because it made others uncomfortable. How I regret that. The only path through this tunnel is to remain true to where we are. I see your words as a beacon leading you out of the tunnel so when you emerge, you are standing tall and proud.