Awareness

Awareness
Originally uploaded by h.koppdelaney

Sitting in modified lotus position,

Achieving balance,

Breathing, slowly,

Feeling centered.


No major breakthroughs today. Just quiet, calm movement. I slept in this morning, something not done since my arrival in San Diego four weeks ago. I suppose I should correctly state that it was interrupted sleeping in, as my 12 year old knocked on my door for every conceivable concern throughout the early morning. But even a larger than life spider on the loose in his bedroom could not rouse me from my slumber. You will have to deal with it yourself.

I ended up missing my Sunday morning yoga class, which I was a bit disappointed about. I could have used it as a way to properly begin my day. I have sensed a change in the wind. The wind that carries my heart strings. I have chosen to have a quiet day, trying to balance my relaxation with some steps in new directions.

I have noticed that my worries of late have been about my finances. I am still struggling with Michael's prior employer to secure that small amount of retirement funds that are due me. I say due me, because I have spent the last 10 months trying to convince them to move forward on my behalf. It's a long story, and one that has too much negative energy to waste my time on right now. With that not finalized, and my house not yet sold, I am beginning to worry about spending down those funds left in my savings account. I have decided that the best way to alleviate my worries is to find a job. It's not necessarily what I had planned to do so soon, but it will help me in the end.

Today's job search led me to an agency that I worked for about 25 years ago. It was providing case management for developmentally disabled individuals. It was work that I enjoyed, and with people that were good natured. I filled out an online application, and emailed it to the local agency. It doesn't pay nearly as much as I'm used to making, but would be something worth making less for. It's a step in the right direction.

I have otherwise been reading online about things of interest, such as meditation gardening, and commenting on various blogs and websites about gay issues in politics. The boys have both been in very quiet places today as well. We did venture out for a late afternoon lunch. We were able to visit a local eatery called Saffron, which I have been eyeing whenever I drive down the road. It was such a lovely day, sunny, but not too hot. We sat outdoors and quietly enjoyed our food. Then walked further up the road for some gelato.

As I sit here on the back deck of my home, I can hear a balance of nature, birds and insects, with the sounds of industry, such as the airport. It is otherwise quiet, and calm. I am definitely feeling a deep sense of appreciation for what I have. The energy around me today is good. There is still deep pain in my heart, and more tears that I suspect needs releasing, but that's okay with me. Today's tears will not be out of anger or resentment. They will be expressed from a place less decisive. Sometime pure emotion is better expressed without labels or limits.

The sky before me is turning red as the sun goes down. The clouds hold it's color, and it surrounds me. The temperature is cooling down, and I can feel it's touch on my skin. There is such beauty all around me. This canyon that is my backyard is green with shrubbery and trees. On the far off hill I can see a man standing at his terrace, leaning forward, and taking in the very scene I have just described. Suddenly I am not alone, rather in harmony with another quiet soul. I find this comforting. No words need to be expressed between his soul and mine. There is so much open space and fresh air for us to share. How glorious is that?

I am burning incense as an offering before my garden Buddha. It's smoke carries up all my worries, so that they will weigh me down less tonight. They also carry up my message of love to Michael. He knows that I miss him, and that my body is craving his touch. I sense his sorrow for my tears, and his arms outstretched for my comfort. His eyes look down on me with love. There is not much more I can ask for.


Awareness.