Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Some days we wake up in another state of mind, or one we didn't anticipate.
Today has been a rather odd day emotionally. I have felt tired, worn out, or as some may say, spaced out. It started with a headache in the morning, which a couple of cups of coffee, and some Tylenol took care of. My youngest son asked if I was okay, saying that I looked as if I had been crying. No, no tears this morning, just a headache.
Later my daughter asked if I would give her and a couple of friends a ride to an art class. I of course said yes, thinking this would be a nice diversion from the funk I am feeling. I dropped them off, came home to relax, then went back to pick them up. On my way back home I was feeling a need to cry. I don't exactly know why. I wasn't feeling sad, or even thinking about anything in particular. I got back home, put on some meditation music, and was fooling around with my computer. My older son then asked if I could drop him off at his jiu jitsu class. I said fine, and we got up to leave. He turned to me to ask if I was angry about something. No, why do you say that? I found myself feeling a bit annoyed with his question, wanting to be just fine, rather than think there were some negative feelings rising to the surface.
Once back at the house I found myself doing a whole lot of nothing. As I sat here on the couch I found myself once again fighting back tears. What the hell is going on! I shouldn't be feeling like this. I started to wonder if maybe I was just wasting my day, or just wasting my life. I know this is a bit dramatic, but when in a strange mood, strange thoughts tend to come with it. I started to rethink my evening. Perhaps I will skip my yoga class tonight. After all, I'll just go, participate, and go home without much of a conversation with anyone. Won't I just feel worse in the end?
Something tells me today is significant. Perhaps something happened on this day last year that my body is remembering. It's likely a memory tied to some heavy emotions. I'm sure if I try to trace back what was happening last year, there is a reason for these feelings. But I won't fall prey to this type of search. If the avalanche of emotions is heading my way, then there is no use in trying to prepare for it. It's like standing on a beach when someone announces that there is a massive tsunami heading our way. You can turn and run, knowing very well that you cannot out run it, or you can just lay on the beach, relax, and let it hit.
I think I will go to my class, and just see where all this takes me.