Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Message to Michael
It has been 345 days since you left this earth. It's been the same amount of nights since you have slept in our bed. And, it took 345 nights before you came to me in my dreams.
I have often wondered why I hadn't dreamt of you. I have been telling myself that it is because I need to keep moving forward, and to dream of you, might just set me back. I worried that if I was somehow capable of conjuring you up in my dreams, along with the perfect scenario, then I would want to sleep all the time. You know that is a very strange thought coming from me, the person that rarely sleeps.
In our years together, I spent a good part of it, sitting up and watching you sleep. You were always so peaceful. Now I can't say that I always liked that I was wide awake, while you were off in dreamland. There were the occasional nights that I would 'accidentally' wake you up. Oh, I'm sorry dear, were you asleep? But then I always made it worth your time, and attention, to be wakened from your sleep. At least, you never complained.
Well, last night was the night you appeared. We were living in a very large loft sort of building. People were arriving from all over the world. Everyone was so excited, and they were all trying to get settled into their spaces, or rooms. We were all preparing for a big event. You were asleep in our bedroom, but once in awhile you would come out to check on things. I would stop what I was doing with everyone else, and quickly go to you. You were rather advanced into the late stages of your brain tumor, and were not too steady on your feet, but you didn't seem to realize this. You wanted so much to help out with the festivities, but I had to remind you to take care of yourself, and keep rested.
At that point my dream seemed to shift to a slightly different scenario. It was as though I was watching a different story unfold. There were these women, who seemed to be from a Middle Eastern country. They were helping one of the women find her child. He had been missing for quite some time. For some reason, the reality of him being missing had always been accepted, then at some point the mother decided she really needed to know the fate of her young son. The other women traveled with her to try to seek out this child in the country that she was originally from. They met with so many people, and looked at so many children, but the woman never recognized any of them as her child. In the end the women decided that it wasn't meant to be, so they gathered all around the mother, and gave her comfort. All of the women, but one, returned home with the mother. They helped her move on with her life, and helped her adapt to the reality that she may never know the true fate of her child. The woman who remained behind chose to keep looking for the missing child, only her search took on a different direction. She began talking to the men in the village, and tried to get to know who among them were either alone, or widowed. In talking to each of these men, she learned so much about their inherent loneliness. Eventually this woman came across a man who said he was caring for his son, and that the mother of his child had been missing for quite some time. Without truly knowing if this was the child the mother was searching for, the woman suggested to the man that perhaps he should begin his life anew in the country where she lived. She let him know where this was, and left him to decide for himself. The woman returned home, and picked up with the other women where they had left off. Some days went by, and one morning, a child appeared on the shore. In the distance was the father, who was wading in the water. The mother, who had all but given up on finding her son, saw this child standing at the shore. For some reason she felt drawn to him. As she walked toward the child she was filled with immense love. As she approached the child, the man took notice, and began walking toward her. Their eyes captured each other's gaze, and then both turned to the child.
At that point, Michael, the dream turned back to you. The same woman who brought these people together was also present in your part of the dream. She was decorating a banquet room for a big gathering. As I was helping her, I realized that what we were doing was preparing a big goodbye dinner for you. I was filled with so much love and appreciation. There were beautiful flowers, full of rich colors, on every table. People were beginning to mull around, so I started walking back toward our room. Again, you were walking out on your own, but obviously needing some help. I walked up to you, and you had a very child like innocent look on your face. I wasn't sure if you recognized me as your husband, or just as someone who took care of you. I put my arms around you, and held you tight. I remember breathing in your scent, and moving my face right next to yours. You looked into my eyes with a realization that this was your going away party, and that you would be dying soon. You didn't seem scared, although you did seem quite tired. People were walking by us, and as they did they would reach out to touch you, or to whisper soft sentiments in your ear. I could feel that my heart was filling with so much love. I knew that in your heart, you were happy. I could see the light of joy in your eyes.
At that point I woke up. I realized that it was very late in the morning, and I had a splitting headache. I felt like I had been asleep forever. The headache took my focus away from the fact that I had finally found you in a dream. As the day has gone by, I have been feeling something coming over me. I didn't know what it was, but slowly, and piece by piece, I have been remembering. As I prepared to return to our bed tonight, the realization of the dream came through. This is why I have been feeling so much emotion today. This is why I needed a day of sitting, thinking and feeling. It wasn't until I returned home from yoga that I had the ability to let go, and allow the memory of this dream rise above to my consciousness.
You know dear, I love you more today than even before you left. Is that possible? I am losing my breath just thinking of you. Tears are welling up in my eyes, and falling upon my face. My skin needs to meet with yours, and yet I know that is not possible.
Help me to be strong.
I need to survive the night.