Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Slept like a baby.
There are truly generous people in this world. Some are generous of spirit. Some are generous of time. My friend wNs is one of those people. Somewhere in the past ten months I have come to know a wonderful group of people online. One of those people is wNs. I'm not sure when our paths crossed through cyber space, but I am glad we did. It has been a relationship of mutual care and support.
In the recent past I shared how I had commissioned her to make a beautiful quilt for my mother in law, made with the clothing of my husband, Michael. When the quilt was completed, she sent it to me so that I could then present it as a birthday gift to my mother in law. I opened the box, and laid it out on my bed,and quite quickly, it took my breath away. I was amazed. Not surprised, as I already knew how talented wNs was. I was amazed at how she was able to tell a story of love, and capture Michael's essence in it's pattern. When my children came down to my bedroom to see the quilt there were three full gasps in unison. They then looked to me with concern. Finally my daughter was brave enough to say what they were all thinking. "How are you going to part with that Daddy?"
I began to panic, and quickly my hands began to gently brush across every stitch. My fingers picked up the love that these pieces of cloth contained. Each piece had specific memories of Michael for me. Some pieces of clothing were very difficult for me to part with. I told myself that I would benefit further by being selfless, and giving it to Michael's mother. I am younger, and I have the good fortune of having many friends that can offer me support. I have contact with many of Michael's friends, who can always share more of their Michael stories with me. And I have all of our things, which each also contain pieces of his DNA, with happy memories coded into each of them.
I will be honest in saying that I cried when I carefully folded the quilt and placed it back in the box for mailing. I know this pleased Michael, as he was very worried about how his mother would manage after he was gone. I love Michael very much, and so his wishes, his concerns, are now mine.
I do have a quilt that is often on our bed. It isn't made with his things, but is a prayer quilt that was sent to him by some women I met through an online brain tumor caregiver support group. It meant a lot to Michael, and brought me peace whenever I laid it across him. Yet the quilt wNs made, it reached me on a far deeper level.
This weekend I was blessed to meet my friend wNs. I was able to sit with her, hug her, and look into her eyes as she spoke. She is a shy person, yet one that conveys such sincere appreciation and love. When I went to check in with her at one point this weekend she reached in front of her and handed me a pillow case quilted out of Michael's clothing. It contained parts of a light blue Polo shirt that Michael wore when we first met. It touched me beyond belief. I wish I wasn't so guarded with me feelings, as what I wanted to do was cry with joy. I have learned to harness my tears during the day, as they can bring me down so deep that I begin to fear not getting back up. By the end of the night though, when I returned to my room, I had no reason to hold back, and let them fall into the beautiful quilted pillow case.
Yesterday I went out to buy a fresh new pillow to place in the case. I placed in on our bed, and as you can see, it matched our bedding perfectly. Michael was the perfect match for me. We truly complimented each other. These small swatches of fabric, made up of Michael's history, also compliment each other.
Now many of my readers know that I suffer greatly from insomnia. I have come to expect it each night, and just lay there, waiting for sleep to arrive patiently. Last night I laid my head on the soft quilted pillow case, and gently allowed my fingers to feel the various textures that each possessed. I could feel their differences, and quickly I appreciated all the complexities that Michael possessed. Just as I was thinking about these, I fell fast asleep.