Friday, August 13, 2010
That time of the month.
Originally uploaded by S.o.L.e
As those of you who read my blog know, these past couple of days have been difficult for me. I have been keeping myself busy, and even enjoying my solitude each day. Yet as the day comes to an end, or during unexpected moments, I have found myself in tears, and feeling extremely sad. Today I found that I have allowed myself to fall back into anger about Michael having to die. I get so frustrated when I get like this, because I know that nothing will bring him back. But that knowledge does me no good in the moment.
Right now I am visiting my parents for a couple of days. In their bathroom I found a book called "Married for Life, Inspirations from those married 50 years or more." Now I don't begrudge those who were fortunate to reach this milestone, but why do books like this have to exist? And if they must, why do I have to come across them?
Now some may say that I am being overly sensitive. If your one of them saying this then you don't know my kind of loss. In fact, you have no clue. Can you tell that I am feeling a bit irritable, maybe even wanting to be out of control?
As the kids and I were driving to my parents this evening I was listening to some of my favorite CD's. I was singing along, seemingly enjoying myself, then suddenly something in one of the lyrics caused me to lose my breath. I tried hard to fight back the tears, as it's kind of difficult to drive at night with tears in your eyes. I started to wonder why I was feeling like this, and then it hit me. It's that time of the month!
Okay ladies, don't get angry at me. Don't get overly sensitive about this. But I often forget, or try not to place too much importance on, anniversary dates. Yet, even with this in mind, I often do find that my internal system is hardwired to begin feeling those things that I try to put out of mind. Today is the 13th, and Michael died on the 13th of September. So if we look back on the past couple of days, and how I have been emotionally all over the map, it can only be one thing. I have PAS, pre-anniversary syndrome.
A quick google search for the emotional symptoms of PMS gave me this:
The most common mood-related symptoms are irritability, depression, crying, oversensitivity, and mood swings with alternating sadness and anger.
Am I on to something or what?
Okay, can we now have a conversation about bloating?