New LIfe
Originally uploaded by James Duckworth
Some nights words escape me.
Some nights my spirit is restless.
Nothing holds my interest,
nothing moves me.
My day was no different,
it is only behind me.
Two hundred channels,
nothing to watch.
I am tired, but don't want sleep.
I am needy, but don't want talk.
I am hungry, but not for food.
Some nights silence surrounds me.
Some nights the air is calm.
Nothing to disrupt me.
Nothing to engage me.
My heart listens quietly,
it is missing the sound of his voice.
Nine months,
moving slowly.
I am strong.
I am weak.
I am here.
Alone.
Nine months.
39 weeks.
273 days.
6552 hours.
393,120 minutes.
23,587,200 seconds.
Who's counting?
9 months.
Time enough for new life.
as you know, i count. it comes with the full moon. since he died 3 minutes after midnight, it comes with the 8 & 9th of every month. some pass and i do okay. some hit with the power of a bullet. you either remain standing for it or you drop to your knees, or you drop all the way. prone, fetal position, suffering.
ReplyDeletei feel for us the pain that can come with the passing of time. i feel compassion and empathy for us with each month, each day, each hour. i remember what Rose Kennedy said about it. "They say time heals all wounds, but I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting its sanity, covers them with scared tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."
i wish you peace.
I count too. Right now, actually, as I look at the time, 11 months ago, my love is going under, and I am running in to the water after him. I've started to forcibly refuse to let myself see it all again. I feel like I am avoiding our love, avoiding something beautiful, and at the same time, the suffering and pain is too much. I am not deep enough to hold it. As you wrote, wns - on the floor, choking, sobbing. Oh I am tired of pain, and just want our love here instead.
ReplyDeletethose sweet moments of peace, trust, connection - I don't know quite how to "court" them. So thankful each of us have them, and my prayers this morning are for each of us to have more. Or, as I heard in meditation this morning, asking (uh, begging) god to help me even know how to pray: "Love, who created everything, deliver me from the temptation to believe otherwise."
A poem that says it all. At 9 months, I remember thinking of the irony of how some people wait 9 months for new life to appear, but to me, the passage of that time meant something entirely else. Well, perhaps it is just another marker on the road to a new life.
ReplyDeleteI still count too. 64 weeks and 2 days. 450 days. And words escape me a lot these days. You're not alone.
ReplyDeletewNs, I love the Rose Kennedy quote. It's so true.