Originally uploaded by cupcake, lane collins?
I'm feeling like I have turned a corner of sorts. I am definitely able to draw comparisons to a time when my grief felt extremely raw, and was out of my control. For some time now I have felt more in control, and with some perspective.
It was a regular therapy Tuesday, and I spent most of my session talking about the positive changes that I am becoming aware of. The pain of losing Michael is something that I now feel more comfortable with. It doesn't seem to take me by surprise very much. I can sense when I going to have a evening of tears, and often times of late, I can give myself over to these feelings, knowing that they will be less intense if I only allow them to be present for a while.
I'm also feeling a better sense of balance in my life. Not that everything is sorted out, but I keep striving to come to some peaceful resolutions to things that are not in my control. I cannot stop loving Michael, it is now part of who and what I am. I cannot change the circumstances of time, meaning that he is gone, and there is nothing I can do that will change that. What I can do is try to be at peace with both. For too long I think I was trying to keep these two things separate. I wanted so much for the reality to not be true. For so long I wanted to stay with my anger, and cast some kind of blame on God, or the universe at large.
For some time I have expressed to my therapist that I felt like life was out to get me. That I was not meant to have happiness, or that as soon as I find happiness, life, or God, would take it away. I really don't want to continue in this line of thinking. I know that happiness is meant for me, because I had it with Michael. I enjoyed our relationship in so many ways. I enjoyed the challenge, the affection, the companionship, the intellectual stimulation, the physical stimulation, I loved it all. Rather than see what I had with Michael as something that was taken away, I want to focus more on it being something that was a gift. I'm feeling like we were meant to be together, and maybe we were meant to be together for this short time.
When I was out there looking for someone to love, I didn't put any disclaimers out that said only the immortal need apply. If Michael's life was meant to be a short one on this earth, then I am pleased that we were brought together. He gave me so much love, and really enhanced my life. I feel like I did the same for him. Am I saying that I am suddenly fine with the fact that he was taken from me so soon into our relationship? Definitely not. But I want to focus less on the time that we didn't have, and more on the time that we did. In time I want to focus less on the pain of losing him, and more on the joy of having him.
In a way, this line of thinking leads me to see all of this in a sort of Yin Yang philosophy. One needs to balance with the other. Having Michael in my life will always be experienced with losing him from my life. There really is no way to separate the two. I think that if I can continue to see all of these things as now connected, I can get more comfortable with what seems like opposing forces within me.
I love Michael with all of my heart. I miss Michael with all of my soul. The two are inseparable.
The extreme joy of our wedding day is the polar opposite of the extreme sorrow of his memorial service. They are both significant markers in my life.
Choosing to create a life together is now intrinsically connected to our choosing to prepare for his death.
In creating a balance, life sometimes seems to weigh heavier on one side for awhile, then shifts, and weighs heavier on the other. If I know this, and trust this, then I know that in time the potential for balance will always be there. This is not a simple process of course, but it is one that I can continue to strive for. What seems to work for me, is to keep trying to accept what is. Acknowledge what it is I want, or wanted, but not spend too much time getting stuck in a pattern of fighting what has already occurred. That will get me nowhere.
So this is my frame of mind right now. I hope it will have some staying power, because I know it is what will help me to keep moving forward, while holding close to my heart, that which is precious to me.