My house is a complete wreck, as I am quickly boxing every thing, getting ready for new carpeting to get laid down, and painting to get done the following week. I'm also getting a second opinion from another realtor, as I want to be sure I am happy with which direction I choose to go.
Throughout the weekend the kids kept catching me staring off into space as I was boxing various items. They kept asking if I was alright. "Yes, I'm fine. Just thinking." The honest response should have been that I am beginning to freak out a bit. There is so much to do, and very little time to get it done. And in between speeding through this process, I am feeling the weight of this decision.
I keep reminding myself about the words to the song that is my current ring tone, "A House is not a Home." I know this is a good decision for me and the kids, but my insecurities are being played out a bit. "Am I ready for this? Will I be walking away from Michael?" Most of the time I have my answer to these questions. Michael will be going with me of course. He is not in this house, he is within me. He is in the memories of the things that make up our bedroom, the things we shared, the love in my heart. I will be taking all of these things with me. Yet still, it is making me sad, bringing me to tears. This is where he died. This is where our memories are.
I need to work through this, and fast. I need to come to peace with these insecurities, as there will be no turning back. Even if there was, I wouldn't allow myself to turn back. It's not my nature.
You know, I'm a bit thrown off tonight. I was feeling so humorous last night, and now I sit here emotionally wrecked. Go figure. I'm going to stay with these feelings tonight. Somehow I know I have to feel this. I'm not going to rush myself through this. It's going to emotionally draining, but it's not something I can rush through or side step. I know enough about my grief at this point to recognize that I will get through it. I will be okay. Maybe not tonight, but tomorrow things will look, and feel, much different. I can trust in my process.