Monday, June 28, 2010
Originally uploaded by Costel Mago
Or in my case, mismanagement.
Today I was just out of control. Everything, and everybody, was making me angry. First, let me say this, everyone actually did something, big or small, to elicit anger on my behalf. But, it was me that allowed myself to escalate quickly in each situation. It's like I had very little reserve left to buffer my response.
Does that sound like I am just making some lame excuse for my misbehavior? You would be right to say so. Of course, if you do say so you are likely going to be on the receiving end of an out of proportion angry response.
As we all know too well, I was likely just using each of these situations as a way to unleash the pent up anger that I desperately try to keep down these days. It is far too easy to lash out at those around me, then to lash out at some nonexistent responsible party that took Michael away from me.
It's days like today that make me wonder if all I am doing each day is pretending that I am coming to an acceptance of my reality. I have spent most of the past nine months being very angry at God, the universe, happy couples, and on and on. I had decided recently that it does me no good to hold on to so much anger, as it doesn't change anything. In fact, I think it only hold me back. I know that part of me will always be angry that Michael had to die, but a bigger part of me knows that I have to come to some sense of resolve.
Tomorrow I will have some mending to do. I will need to apologize for my over reactions. I will also need to begin rethinking my strategy for getting through these angry times, and about these angry feelings. I know that it is okay for me to feel angry about losing my husband so soon, but I also know that I need to find better ways to manage this anger. I can either control it, or it will control me.