I ♥ San Diego!
Originally uploaded by simplykhey
One long day. One big step.
This morning I flew down to San Diego. No, I don't have the job. I haven't heard anything from them, so I have decided to just let go. If they call, great, if it doesn't happen right now, then I'm prepared to take the risk, and go anyway.
Friday afternoon I informed my supervisor at work that I would be flying to San Diego to go house shopping. I wish I was shopping to buy, but will have to lease a house for now. One house that I have had my eye on for some time now has been steadily dropping it's monthly rental fee every couple of weeks, and was still vacant. I have been keeping in touch with the rental management company, letting the agent know that I would be down there soon. I had an appointment for today at 1:30 pm. I told my supervisor that if I found a house, and was able to sign a lease agreement, then I would be returning to work on Tuesday, and officially giving my two week notice. Her jaw dropped. I think everyone knew that I am serious about this, but I don't think they let it really sink in.
I know it's a risk to be making this type of move with this kind of economy. There are not a lot of jobs available, and I happen to be at the top of the seniority list at my office. There have been many layoffs during the past year, and I have been quite secure in my job. This has been kind of strange, as I really wasn't at the job for most of last year. I was home enjoying my time with Michael, then home with him while he was dying. When I returned to work in November, many people were surprised to see me. I don't think they expected me to return so quickly, but I really didn't have a choice, as I had run out of sick leave or vacation time months before that. When I did return, I remember my supervisor saying that part of her thought I would choose to not return at all. At the time I confided in her that I didn't think my heart was in it anymore, and that I didn't feel that I had the stamina to stay with it.
I feel that I really made a solid effort to get back in the groove, but after 7 months at work, I now know that I have to leave. I will miss all of my friends at the office, as many of them are now like family. But going to a job where so many people rely on me to guide them during times of crisis, it just takes so much out of you. I have done this job for 21 years. For those that don't know, I am a social worker with child protective services. Returning to work after losing Michael has been like constantly walking up hill, and I just can't do it anymore. What I am choosing to do is probably not the most financially sound choice, but it is the right choice for my spirit. I find myself going to work each day, reminding myself that when I return home, he will not be there. These thoughts play out over and over in my head throughout the day. By the end of the day I am exhausted physically, and empty emotionally.
Moving around in this city that I love is no longer what it used to be. I feel like every corner is a reminder of happier times with Michael, yet also a reminder of what I can no longer have. Of course I could stay here, and try to work through these feelings, but at this point in life I don't feel like putting in that kind of effort. Early on in my grief I had the urge to walk out my front door, and keep on walking. I had this never ending need to move. Move away. I didn't do that, as I kept feeling like I would just be running away from my feelings. So I stayed, and spent some time really working through them, and trying to understand what I truly needed. At this point I can honestly say that I am now ready to move toward something new, something different. I can't say that I am moving to something better, as I am leaving the home that I have kept for the past 17 years. I am leaving the place where I met Michael, and where we lived our life together. Yet, Michael and I had made plans early on that we would relocate to a new place. When he was diagnosed with his brain tumor, those plans had to be scrapped. I was fine about putting those plans aside, as they were no longer as important. Now that the dust has settled, I realize that I want to do what we were planning on doing, which is move toward something new.
I met the rental management agent at the house today at 1:30 pm. I had seen this house online for the past couple of months, and really liked the style of the home. I knew that there had to be some less than desirable details about the house, otherwise it would have been rented, and the price wouldn't have been sliding downward. When I walked into the house I knew that it could be home. I love it. I walked from room to room, only vaguely hearing the agent describe the various rooms, and what the owners had done to it recently. But in my mind I kept hearing a voice telling me yes, this will be a good move. I knew that the owners wanted a year lease, as I had been told that a month ago when I initially inquired about the house. Knowing that they were becoming desperate I decided it was a good time to revisit this sticking point. I told the agent that if the owners were willing to agree to a 6 month lease, that I would sign a lease agreement today. She texted the owners, and they said yes. They were a little concerned about my having two pets, but I tried to convey how well behaved our four legged family members were. I wish I could report that I have signed the lease, but time kind of ran out today. The agent needed to run a credit check, which went fine of course. She then left a message for the owner that everything was clear if they were ready to sign the contract, but she didn't hear back from them by the time I needed to fly back to San Francisco. I hope to hear from her tomorrow, and hope to secure this property.
Like everything else about this move, today didn't go exactly as planned. In times past I might have been tempted to see these occurrences as an omen, and think twice about making this move, but that was the old Dan. The new Dan says "what the hell, let's do it anyway. Really, what do I have to lose?" When you have already lost the love of your life, everything else is a piece of cake. Chocolate, I hope.