Well, my writing ability is a bit compromised tonight. Not because of any type of emotional, or cognitive problem, just due to the simple fact that my left arm is quite swollen. After having Monday's tattoo work done on my arm, which covers the length of my left fore arm, it is now very sore. Any time I lower my arm too far, and the blood rushes downward, the pain then increases. I actually find it a bit humorous, because I can see the "I told you so" looks that Michael would be throwing my way about now. And after that I would likely pout for a bit, so he would, without thinking, put his arms around me, and crush that same swollen and sore arm. That was his style. So keeping him present in my life, I have to smile, laugh a little, and well up.
What is also funny, is that while eating my lunch at my desk today, I was reading a story about a guy who tried to cut off his own arm off when it got caught in a furnace he was trying to fix. When nobody came to help, after many hours mind you, he decided to cut himself free. As I was reading this I was feeling this intense pain in my arm. Now at the end of the day, I'm starting to see what might lead someone to do such a desperate act.
You know, the condition of my swollen and sore arm, and the fact that I can see humor in the pain, is very similar to how I am feeling about my grief these days. I can be sitting here in tears, thinking about Michael, then quickly find myself laughing at how he would be responding to me. I like this. This is how Michael and I were. There were so many serious things that we had to face each day for the past couple of years, but we always managed to make some snide remark about a situation that would have us both laughing. It's moments like that, memories like that, that put a big smile on my face, and his. I can certainly feel him smiling right now.