Friday, November 6, 2009
I'm not okay (I promise),
originally uploaded by Lacking Focus.
Today I felt my grief bubbling up within in me. Throughout my work day I was having to take deep breaths, as if there was not enough oxygen getting into my lungs. I suppose what I was feeling was a bit of a panic attack. At times I was able to shed a few tears, knowing that they would help lessen the pain in my chest. Once getting into my car I was able to give in, to succumb to the flood.
Grief can be so acute at times. I don't always see it coming, and I don't always know why this moment is different from the last. There was no desire on my part to fight it. The pain within becomes far stronger than I, and it can be such a relief to unleash it. I arrived at my son's school, to pick him up, complete with sunglasses. I know it made no sense, it was already getting dark, and the school yard was being engulfed by fog. Yet I didn't want to solicit too much concern with my red and swollen eyes. My son, and his teacher, quickly saw that I was having a tough time, and gave me some supportive words.
Tonight has been much the same. Michael's best friend, Craig, came over for an "Ugly Betty" marathon. We had a fun evening, yet before he arrived, and immediately afterward, I once again found myself sobbing. I guess it is just "one of those days." These intense type of days happen less frequently, yet they are so familiar.