Sunday, November 22, 2009

Until Death Do Us Part?

originally uploaded by barbera*.

My head hurts tonight. Tension has been building all day. I can't seem to relax or find comfort in anything I do. I wrote a post earlier about comfort in the familiar, then somehow lost half of what I wrote. I thought of rewriting it, but didn't feel that connected to what I had written. It is so indicative on how I am doing these days.

Not too much is pleasurable. Not too much seems all that important, and not too much connects me to this earth. I don't mean to discount all that I do have. I love my children, am grateful for my family and friends, and I suppose there are other things I could add to this list. But the invisible man that I am, continues to haunt me.

I feel as though I have lost a complete sense of myself. Without that what am I? Who am I? And how am I connected to the life I once had? In the marriage vows we are told that the two shall be as one. Then just as we are becoming familiar with this concept, we are reminded that this until death do us part. Easier said than done.

I really bought into the concept of unity. When Michael was dealt the heavy blow of his illness, I too was hit. But we got up, we continued forward. We fought with all our might to beat this disease, and we cherished every moment that we had. What ever came our way, good or bad, we faced it together.

What now? Death did us part, but I still long to be as one! How does that change? How does my heart make sense of it all? If two heart beat as one, what the hell happens when the one stops beating? Half of my life source is gone.

I am a mere shadow of my former self. I am a ghost, one foot in this world, one foot in next. Does Michael feel this way too?

How will I...

When will I..

Will I ever feel whole again?

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