Sunday, November 8, 2009

No sleep for me

So tired, but too restless to sleep. Most nights I sit here, busy myself on this computer, or find other things to occupy my mind. I have always suffered from insomnia, but this is different. With my insomnia it's about having trouble falling asleep, or staying asleep. With grief it feels more like a subconscious unwillingness to sleep. I know that if I lay down, turn out the lights, and relax, I will have to face my loneliness, being alone, without Michael.

Everything around me reminds me that he isn't here. I find myself getting out of bed, looking for something that will temporarily ease my loss. Sometimes it is reading a card he gave to me. Some days it is listening to music that he loved, wearing one of his shirts, piling pillows on his side of the bed. Most nights it leads me to the urn that holds his ashes, reaching out to caress it with my hands. A candle to keep vigil, glowing in the dark, giving me a sense of his presence. Some nights it is spraying the air with his cologne, keeping his scent floating around me.

I know that what I yearn for, I will not find.
He is gone.
My mind knows what my heart will not accept.
He is gone.
Logic does not factor in.

He is gone.

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