Sunday, November 15, 2009

Message to Michael

love letter,
originally uploaded by Negar Daneshfar.
Dear Michael.

I had lunch with a new friend today. It was sunny out, so it gave us the opportunity to walk and chat in this beautiful city of ours. You would have enjoyed the restaurant, Italian cuisine. We shared a nice bottle of red wine, and had pasta with clams. What a nice treat. All through our meal I had the opportunity to introduce my friend to you, and I got introduced to his husband as well. We talked about how we met each of you, and the things we enjoyed doing as a couple. Funny, we both met our partner/husband in a gay bar. We shared with each other our stories of meeting each of you, was it love at first sight, and were there hurdles to overcome. We talked about how soon we moved in together, how we all became home-bodies, and where we vacationed as a couple.

I think we would have enjoyed knowing this couple. You and my friend's husband were both bright, and very computer savvy. We talked about how we were in awe of our husband's intelligence, open heart and ability to love.

It felt so good to spend an afternoon that included you. I felt so happy to be saying your name out loud. It felt great to have someone asking questions about you, about us. It felt equally satisfying to ask questions about his husband, to hear of their many years together, and to picture the life they created as a couple.

After lunch I stopped in for a cup of coffee, and to see the beautiful view they have from their balcony. Again, you would have loved this. Once in their home I recognized something very familiar to ours. I recognized a home filled with memories, filled with love, and filled with mementos collected from their life together. I also recognized a quiet stillness.

What I didn't find there was my friend's husband, as he also recently left this world. Maybe wherever you are, you can look for him and introduce yourself. Maybe you can share with him that you were both terribly missed today. When you meet him, both of you can smile, and share your stories. Both of you can say that you had husbands who totally adored you. Both of you can say how good it is to find support with other's that have had similar experiences. Maybe both of you can reach out to us, and remind us that we wouldn't be experiencing such grief unless we had experienced such love.

Remind me Michael. Remind me of the happy times. Remind me what joy feels like. Remind me that you will somehow always be there for me. Remind me that I won't always feel like this.

You said that if there was a way to come back and tell me these things, that you would. I know that. I know that you meant it when you said these words. I am waiting. I am waiting to hear these words whispered into my ear. This must be why I lie awake each night. I am waiting.

I love you Michael.

You still have my heart.


1 comment:

  1. You are so very fortunate to have met someone who can share what you're going through in-person. It is rare for many widows, but it is almost unheard of for most widowers. The closest thing most of us have is this online community. Cherish and cultivate this real-life friendship. I'm very happy that you have found it.