Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sun/Son breaks through the clouds.

Father and Son on the hillside,
originally uploaded by Dragon Weaver.

Last night a storm swept through San Francisco. Out my window it poured rain. Inside my home, just the same.

Some days grief hits me like a ton of bricks. Yesterday was one of them. There were so many facets to my day that just kept prodding me like a dagger into my heart. These were not necessarily negative things, most were actually positive. I could spend some time here describing them in detail, but when I think it through I realize that in some ways the events or interactions are not that significant. On days like yesterday I am just completely vulnerable, like a warrior sent into battle without a shield. In times like that I am finding that it is best to just surrender to the grief. It is only with gut wrenching sobbing do I feel relief.

Today the sun came out. With the day came a knowing that grief could be a more tolerable companion.

This evening my 11 year old son and I attending a grief support group for children. The kids meet to process, to share, their experience with other kids. There is an equal ratio of adult facilitators who guide the kids through activities that help them express their grief. During this time, we parents meet in a separate room to offer each other support through our own process. I must say, it was a good evening. What comfort it gave me knowing that as I am feeling supported in one room, my son was being given the same in another. At the end of the evening both groups came back together so that we end with a sense of connectedness.

Once in our car I was able to check in with my son. He said, "you know dad, I think this group is going to be very good for me." What a joy to hear. My son had such a beautiful peacefulness about him while he expressed himself. One of the biggest challenges in my grieving process so far has been how to meet my kids needs while I am struggling to stay afloat. The loss of Michael has been significant to our children. I can only imagine that this is magnified when they see their other parent falling apart. This has been my worry, as while I'm keenly aware of this dynamic, I have at times felt unable to address it. Having this group is a wonderful way to meet each of our needs.

Today was a gift.

Today I felt held by Michael's loving arms.

Today I didn't feel so alone.

Today the sun broke through the clouds.

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