Friday, November 20, 2009
Giving Our Memories New Life
This heart of mine,
originally uploaded by SalaBoli.
When you have lost someone very close to you, someone you loved without limits, a darkness moves in around your heart. It feels like the color of your blood suddenly becomes a much deeper color, and as it moves through your body, everything becomes tainted with pain. Grief then becomes a process circulating the blood so that it continuously passes through your heart. With each cycle the blood flows through your liver, your kidneys and up through your brain. Throughout this process your body is absorbing and disposing of toxins.
The pain of my loss has made my heart at times feel tough and dark, yet at the same time raw and tender. Throughout the day my blood flows through this cycle, at times I can feel the toxins building up in one particular area of my body. Perhaps it is a tightness in my chest or a strain in my upper back. Most days it has my head in a vice grip, then later it settles in my abdomen. It can be a slight annoyance, or it can be a gut wrenching experience.
In these early days, for me two months, the darkness that surrounds and infects my heart has created a barrier between it and my brain. Where I used to think about a pleasant or loving memory, and be filled with joy, these days there is a disconnect. My mind keeps telling my heart that there were so many wonderful times, and please remember the feelings and sensations that use to flow so easily. But the darkness that engulfs my heart prevents it from seeing these truths. The experience ends up being like a silent picture, with so soundtrack to move me.
I know that with each cycle there will begin to be some clarity. I know that at times the toxicity levels of pain will vary. I don't expect that my heart and mind will ever be completely healed, or ever the same. But perhaps in time my memories will be given new life. Perhaps as they flow through the blood in my body, I will begin to experience them in new ways. That will be the time when my memories become an agent of comfort. That is when I will begin to feel a warmth in my heart. The blood that flows through my body will begin to feel a lighter, or brighter, shade of red.
What currently feels cold, dark or broken, will one day feel renewed.