Monday, November 9, 2009
Yesterday I spent a good part of the afternoon putting together a video of images and pictures I have taken to express my grief. I decided that I should delve into other ways to express myself, beyond words. I was pleased with the outcome, but for some reason have been unable to upload it to this blog. Hopefully I will be able to share it with all of you at some point.
What I can do is describe the process, and what it meant to me. I wanted to see what my body language looked like when I grieve. I set the camera on a timer, then put myself in positions that I find myself in when alone and feeling the intensity of my grief. It was a very interesting experience. Usually I am lost in emotion, then find myself lying on my bed in a pattern of positions. For this experience, I was calm, but put my body into the positions for the camera. By looking at the pictures I am able to tap into these emotions quickly. I can see how my body responds to feelings of loneliness, sorrow, pain, and mindfulness.
I hope that this experience will help me in better identifying what I am feeling, by observing my body language. Too often I feel as though I have but one emotion left, which is pain. But looking at the images I can see nuance. I can see how at times I am in a fetal position, needing to be nurtured by Michael's spirit, or perhaps by God. At times I flat on my back, experiencing the full weight of my sorrow upon my body. This position causes me to see, and experience, my grief head on, without turning away from it. Some images were of me meditating in my garden. For these I chose to disrobe, so that I could better observe my body, my muscles, my skin, every detail when I am in mindful meditation.
What I see is raw emotion. What I see is a peacefulness that comes over me when I am unburdened by physical and emotional influence. I am reminded of what I need during this time. I need more quiet, stillness and serenity. I need to listen to my body. I need to get out of my head, and fully experience my raw emotions without the burden of making judgements about how I "should be doing."
Sometimes we need to be willing to stand naked in front of ourselves. We need to observe ourselves without judgement. Observe and learn. This period of grief is so profound and life-altering. We are changed by our loss. I will never be the same, so I must be mindful of my own evolution. It is only then that I can benefit from this painful process.