Monday, November 2, 2009
Today's lesson to be learned...
....trying to find a balance between my children's emotional needs and my own. I think we all know that it is an enormous responsibility when others rely on us for their emotional and physical well-being. For me this has been a difficult challenge, as my children's special needs have at times pushed me beyond my perceived limit.
My limits were further tested these past two years with Michael's failing health. Yet throughout it all I somehow found the emotional presence of mind to create a balance. Not that I was able to do this on a daily basis, more like in the larger scheme of things, balance found me.
These days I'm finding that I don't feel like I'm standing on as sturdy of ground as I once had. Perhaps it is because my own needs feel immense. My emotions these past weeks have been so heavy that I am often immobilized. I can feel the weight of my grief physically pressing down on my chest. My breathing is often labored, as though my lungs were restricted. When air intake is limited we naturally want to use it sparingly. Use too much now, and you may find yourself gasping for breaths later.
My grief has limited my intake.
I lack security.
I lack assurance.
I lack joy.
I lack optimism.
I lack balance.
What I have within in minimal, less to work with, less to share.
I'm finding my biggest challenge is to muster the strength of mind and body, so that I can continue to meet my children's needs. I must remind myself that like my own, their needs are greater at this time.
When they look to me they seek security,
they seek assurance,
they seek joy,
they seek optimism,
I pray each morning that I will have the stamina to meet their needs. I pray that somehow I will also be able to meet my own needs. I'm learning quite a lesson. I'm learning that sometimes we adults are just so emotionally wounded that we can't possibly strike a balance. My worry is, while we are healing, while I am healing, who's needs are being met? And who is meeting them?
I seek balance.
Perhaps balance will, once again, find me.