Thursday, September 16, 2010
Bitchy Old Queen for a Day.
I'm feeling very disconnected today. It's like my mind and body are not in sync. Or is it my heart and soul?
Some things are coming together, like reining my older son back in, and feeling like were headed back on track. Like making significant progress in building trust and affection with the stray dog, who has now become my shadow. Like having the presence of mind to get my younger son focused on his homework for the week. Yet other things have me feeling completely different.
I went to my younger son's Back to School Night. It was more difficult emotionally than I had anticipated. I sat there in the auditorium feeling like I have no connection to anyone in the room. There were plenty of parents there who were alone, but I had a sense that their spouses were at home tending to the children. I looked around the room, and wondered if I would ever get to know any of these people. We then had to follow a very short schedule of each of our kids classes, listening to presentations by each teacher. It dawned on me that none of these teachers knew Remy's academic, or emotional, challenges. I started worrying about my inability to get them all informed, or to keep up with all that will be required of me to help my son along this school year. I came home and found that my son Dante had gone out on a run. I panicked because it was dark out, and I don't feel like I can trust his decision making ability right now. I kept telling myself to calm down, that Remy had said that Dante just left, and I knew that he never lasts too long while running. Yet this logic didn't do much to calm me.
While at the school this evening I found myself fighting back tears. It's not like Michael participated much in school events, it's just that I am feeling so alone without him, and worrying that I no longer have what it takes to be a good parent for my kids. I rarely cook anymore. The laundry has really piled up, and I haven't followed through with some fairly important correspondences that have been piling up on the table. Maybe my emotional response to the one year mark is starting to hit me again. After all, I had to quickly pull it together with the various teenage crises this week. And because of the problems this week, and the school event tonight, I haven't been to yoga in over a week.
Tomorrow's my last week day of "freedom," since I start work on Monday. I had previously been looking forward to this, but now I'm wondering how I am going to manage. To be honest, all day my mind has been drifting back to thoughts of what this life is all about. I started to ask myself if it is even worth the effort. Funny to say, as I haven't seemed to be putting much effort into my life lately anyway.
I feel bad that I haven't returned the few calls I have received in the past few days. I feel bad that I haven't responded to Facebook messages from concerned friends either. I also have to say that it has been difficult to accept that the anniversary of Michael's death has gone by seemingly unnoticed by those that knew him. I received so much support from all of the grieving community, and from a few friends that reached out to me, but I kept waiting to hear something from more family members, or old friends of Michael, and it didn't happen. I know that there is no reason that people should remember the date. While many definitely felt his loss last year, his death didn't change their everyday life. And even though I get this, it still hurts.
I sit here looking at the little stray, lying in the bed I provided for him. He is fast asleep, looking so comfortable and vulnerable at the same time. Each time he opens his eyes he immediately searches for me. He sees that I am near, and that I am focused on him, so he closes his eyes once again, and goes back to sleep. He and I are a lot alike, only when I open my eyes, no one is there.
I start to wonder when this will change. When will I feel like my life is worth living again? Oh, I know. I was doing so much better not that long ago. What happened? It would be so nice to have someone come by and say, okay Dan, lets get busy doing...whatever.
It's scary how quickly my mood, and outlook, can change. I'm not feeling like a whole person right now. I'm not feeling like a very good parent right now.
Maybe I just need to hurt some more. Maybe my one year anniversary mourning got side tracked, and now I'm actually back on course. My father left me a message last night asking how the anniversary went for me. I immediately realized that after this month, I have our wedding anniversary to get to. Last year I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary without Michael. I never really got to have a wedding anniversary because my husband was dead.
How fucked up is that? Now I look at all the wedding anniversary cards in the stores, and realize that I never got the chance to even receive one. I likely never will. I've been cheated.
What's the first year anniversary gift anyway? Paper? Well, I did get a death certificate. So maybe I should stop complaining.
Sorry, I'm being a bit dramatic now. Feel free to roll your eyes, and wonder why the hell you are reading this anyway. I sometimes wonder why the hell I am writing this. Okay, I'm going to shut up now. I don't think I am getting anywhere with this. I'm just acting like a bitchy old queen.