Monday, September 13, 2010
Originally uploaded by Spyros_Tav
Sitting here at Peets Coffee among the living. I didn't want to spend my day lost in the sheets and blankets. They boys were both very sweet this morning, being gentle with me.
I'm sitting, reading the sweet messages, and feeling supported. I have so many blessings, and don't ever want to take that for granted.
On a beautiful sunny morning, this is where Michael would want to be. Drinking our morning coffee had become such a wonderful ritual, and it always started our day off well. It's funny how drinking coffee became something we did together. Although I would curse if I accidentally picked up his cup, which was loaded with unnecessary sugar!
My morning started before the sun arrived. Candles were lit around Michael's urn, his favorite music played, and my pillow encased in Michael's quilted clothing was safe in my arms.
I sat. I cried, then reread a poem sent to me last night.
I am but waiting for you,
for an interval.
Somewhere very near.
Just around the corner.
Once I found the calm within, my meditation began. At first there was complete silence, and the sky was dark. At times my eyes were closed, and at times tears rolled down. At times my eyes would open, and his urn would come into focus. I looked at it with fondness and love. I then heard the sound of birds, and realized the sun had come up. Looking out my window I saw that the world around me was waking up. Soon I would go down to awaken the boys for school. Soon this morning luxury would come to an end, as a parent doesn't get the day off. I reminded the boys of the day's importance, which of course they were both aware of. I received their hugs and kisses, then received the wet kisses from Ranger and Carelli. I will receive Arianne's when she arrives tonight to make dinner.
I am a fortunate man. I am loved, and I have the good fortune to have many people in my life that I can love in return.
I am still hurting, and holding it in as I write, as not to scare the morning customers at Peets. The day is completely my own at this point. I have no agenda. I have a pocket full of Michael's ashes, so where ever I go, so does he. The places we will go today are of no real significance, as the important part of our journey together has already played out.
I call your name in great sorrow.
I call your name in deep sorrow
I'll call your name till I die.
Today is for me, and I feel free to do, or not do, anything I want.
Time to keep moving.