Old Man in Fedora Hat (Pentax K20D w/ EBC Fujinon 55/1.8)
Originally uploaded by dubesor
I spent most of the day out on the road. I had an appointment with my life insurance agents. We meet every few years to take a look at my portfolio, and to see if there is any need for adjustments. These appointments have allowed my agents and I to catch up with each other, as we have had this working relationship for about 20 years. Our conversation was a little different this time around, as the issue of life insurance has taken on new meaning to me. We also spent a good portion of time discussing retirement options. Another sign of the times, meaning the middle aged era.
It was an interesting discussion, especially related to what I qualified for as Michael's legal spouse for the state, and what I didn't qualify for as to any federal interests. As they both reminded me that I was still quite young, and needed to consider the possibility of a future new marriage, they wanted me to plan ahead accordingly. They were both very respectful, and careful in how they chose their words, being sure to ask me thoughtful questions. I did have to remind them that I was able to qualify as Michael's legal spouse only because of the short window of opportunity we had to wed in California, and that I couldn't remarry today even if I wanted to.
I then visited my parents, who live in the same town as the insurance office. I loved the opportunity to visit with them with no kids, and no other visitors to distract from our conversation. Again, they too were wonderful in letting me talk about Michael, and talk about the ins and outs of being a widower, and the legal hoops I have had to jump through due to being his gay spouse. I felt kind of bad when I left, because I felt like I had talked my parents' ears off. It's odd though, that here I was their son, and I was the one that had all the experience regarding legal matters in relation to death.
In having this conversation with my parents, and with my agents, who are both at least ten years my senior, I was keenly aware that I am a young widower. I don't often think of myself as a young person, but in this realm, I guess I am.
It all has me thinking about youth, and experience. I feel that I have been through so much during these past few years. I often feel like I have aged considerably during this time. This premature experience with later in life issues has really caused me to see life differently, and to experience day to day life in a new way. I have slowed down. I often observe life from the perspective on an outsider, and have lost that naivete that is usually accompanied with youthfulness. And even though I have continued to try involving myself with activities that weigh on the side of youthfulness, such as my yoga, I often look around me and think of myself as an older man that is occupying this body.
When I was a younger man people often mistook me for being much younger than my actual age. I was always having to correct them by saying that I am older than I look. These days I think people would correctly identify my chronological age, but now I would have to inform them that I feel older than my age would suggest.
Maybe I need to return to the Men's Discussion Group, where I can nurture my inner old man.