Sunday, September 26, 2010

Circular Walking

Walking in circles (Portuguese sidewalk)

Today I paid a nice visit to my parent's home. It is great to be so close, meaning a 2 hour drive from San Diego, rather than an 8 hour drive from San Francisco. I try to see them every couple of weeks. As soon as we arrived, we were all sitting in the kitchen eating, and listening to all the family updates. For my parent's peer group this means who got what illness, who went in or out of the hospital, or who died since our last visit. As we sat there my son Dante turned to me to ask if I was okay. For some reason this bothers me when he does this. I'm not sure if he is always misreading my facial expressions, or if he sees something others do not.

I probably responded less than nicely, as he and I have been at extreme odds lately. He then said, "well Dad, I thought maybe hearing all this bad news just makes you feel sad."

Do I look sad all the time? No, I don't think I do. I also spend a fair amount of time probably looking angry. Sad and angry. Probably not the best look for me. Yet, I have to be honest, and admit that I wasn't in the best of moods today. There was really no particular reason, just not one of my better days I suppose.

I'm trying to not read too much into days like this. I do want to control my anger better, as these boys get the better of me lately.

Why am I writing about this anyway? What the hell does any of this have to do with my big adventure through grief? Wish that it was a big adventure, as days such as this often feel like I am just walking in little circles. Maybe that is why I am feeling anxious and frustrated tonight. Even Fido senses it, as he has been staying clear from me all evening. Oh, he's happy to humor me with a walk around the block several times each night, but otherwise just looks at me as if I am something to be avoided if possible.

Tomorrow is another new day at work. I think it will break up this monotony that I am feeling. It's kind of difficult to walk in circles when you are walking through new beginnings.

Perhaps I should wear my shoes on the opposite feet tomorrow. That way I could not possibly walk in circles.

1 comment:

  1. I know it's certainly not my place, nor do I know all of the circumstances and goings on with Dante lately but it would appear from the outside that he was simply concerned about your emotional wellbeing. He cared enough to say - hey are you ok and is this hurting you? Anger is a tough one to control and can slip out soooo easily. Try and take a deep breath, step back and just answer his question as controlled as you can. I'm sure deep inside he really cares too. After all - even through all the teenager years the love still lives - even when the outside says otherwise. {{Hugs}}