Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Surprise Guest

First off, let me apologize if I didn't get back to everyone that either wrote or called. I have been in a bit of a fog, and have allowed myself to get lost in the mist. Yesterday I just needed to get through the day alone. I didn't have it within me to return any calls, yesterday or today.

I am doing well, but needed time alone.

Yesterday I allowed myself to drift as planned. After writing my morning post at Peet's Coffee I headed out to the beach. I spent a lot of time just walking along the shore, sitting for awhile, then walking some more. I can't say that I had any conscious thoughts going through my head, mostly just feeling that which needed to be felt. I chose to scatter a bit of Michael's ashes into the ocean during my walk, which felt right. Michael so loved the ocean, and we spent many happy times along the coast.

After trying to dry the rolled up jeans that were not meant to get so wet, I decided to go see a movie. My choice was Eat Pray Love. I had heard a bit about the movie's theme, and thought it would be interesting given my spiritual journey through Buddhism since Michael's death. From there I headed off to one of my favorite shops, Eye of the Buddha. They have so many beautiful things to look at, but mostly I love walking slowly throughout the store, as they always have such peaceful music playing, the wonderful fragrance of incense burning, and it is nicely air conditioned. What more could a grieving widower ask for? From there I stopped at Jamba Juice for a refreshing smoothie, then headed home for some rest. My daughter and her friend made me a wonderful dinner, complete with dessert. I wasn't very good company though, keeping to myself up in my bedroom before and after the meal.

The day was basically what one would expect, difficult and draining.

Today I have been completely distracted by a little four legged visitor. Early in the morning I heard a noise by the front door. When I looked out I saw a small dog. He was very hyper, and wouldn't sit still long enough for me to get close. Actually, he wasn't going to let anyone get close to him. Throughout the day I, and about a dozen of my neighbors, tried to capture him, as he kept running into the street, nearly getting run over several times. We had never seen him before, and he had no identifying tags. Yet throughout the day he kept returning to my yard. Eventually a neighbor cornered him onto my outdoor deck, and we were able to feed him, give him fresh water, and allow him time to rest. Later when I checked on him I saw that he was off, running through the streets once again. But he did return, several times. I later lured him into my home with some food, then guided him up to my bedroom, away from my dog and cat.

This little guy was very nervous, scared, and completely covered with fleas. He's one of those little dogs that growls, and snaps, at everything. I could tell he was a biter, so I kept my distance. I decided to deal with the fleas before they scattered throughout my bedroom. I put on my thick gardening gloves, got him into the shower, and sort of washed him up with flea shampoo the best I could without actually touching him. He got a few good bites into my protected hands, but he is now clean, and relatively flea free. I have been sitting here in my chair all evening, giving him time to explore the room, and me, for several hours. At one point he did come up to sniff my hand, but has stayed close to me for no more than a few seconds at a time. I don't really have a plan for him, but for now, we are roommates.

I'm going to close this post now, as every little click make him jump. He doesn't seem to know what he wants. He looks very tired, and alternates from growling to a short cry. Hmmm, sounds familiar.


  1. Oh, how sad! Poor little creature. He has such a worried look on his face in that first photo. I'm glad that you brought him in off the street before something bad happened to him. Maybe he'll calm down overnight once he gets a bit of sleep.

    The walk along the ocean sound like it was a good way to spend part of the day. Nice that your daughter made dinner for you, and that you were able to just do as you felt was right all day.

  2. I had a feeling you would walk by the ocean and that you might scatter some of Michael's ashes too.

    Is that a chihuahua? So glad you took him in :-) He may have helped you a little to take your mind off things a bit. I'd imagine him trying to bite you would focus the mind at least just for those few minutes!

    Of course you were in a fog, I'm glad you let it envelope you ... we have learned that it is the best course of action, otherwise you only delay the inevitable.

    I hope that you are feeling a little more strength now that this milestone has passed. I remember feeling exhausted but stronger mentally.

    I love you

  3. more later my friend, but if said doggie is stll in your kind protection, you might try the bach flower rescue remedy to calm him down. If he's drinking water, you could put a few drops in there, and if he will let you touch him at all, you could put a couple drops on your hands and rub his ears. it's a good jangle-smoother-outer.

    ps - my capcha word was Phingi, which I like for some reason.

  4. I know the day was trying and difficult for you but you went through it with such grace, while being attentive to yourself. The ocean walk, browse through the store, movie, Jamba Juice smoothie... It all sounds healing and soothing. Somehow, I think the little dog is part of the plan. I appreciate you for taking him in and helping to relieve him of some suffering.

  5. "He looks very tired, and alternates from growling to a short cry." Oh yes. Got that all right.
    I agree, he is a part of the plan. Maybe not even that you are meant to keep him, maybe he was sent here just to give you something to care for for a few hours, to get outside your own head.
    I pretty much LIVE on rescue remedy, and also give my dog (Jeff's dog) a few drops of Rescue Sleep to keep him from waking at the moment of Jeff's death. Every. SIngle. Night.
    So now they say year two becomes when you realize this new life is really here to stay. I think all of us here are probably more present in our grief than most, and therefore hopefully farther along whatever frickin path is our future. I hope so anyway. I don't want to forget, or "get over it", or whatever, in fact I guess I cannot say what I do want, actually. Rambling now, sorry.
    Anyway, welcome to life in year two, my friend.