Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Fag Hag

Hi you all. I wish I had more time to keep in contact with everyone through their blogs, or directly through email and Facebook. Since starting the new job I no longer have time for much of anything. There is little time for the type of things that I would prefer to be doing.

I loved reading the responses to yesterday's post. It's interesting how each of us now look at ourselves, and how we try to understand what it is we need. As for me, I would like someone who can come over each night, help the boys get their chores and homework done, then clean up the kitchen. Oh, and he needs to walk the dogs as well. I then want all the creatures, be they human boys, or four legged hairier boys, to vanish by an early enough hour. Then 'said someone' would lay in bed with me while I do my writing. He would turn to me occasionally with a smile, or lean in with a kiss so as to say how cute I am when I am so focused. He would remain awake until I am finished, which is usually quite late. He might encourage me to take a late night shower so that I will feel refreshed and relaxed on these hot late nights. He would then curl up in bed with me, and get frisky enough to remind me that I still have some game left at 51 years.

I'll be honest and say that I laughed to myself when I read some of the responses. What some of you say here, and in the past, is that you would like someone who can do all of these things, such as keep you laughing, but not necessarily have the emotional, or sexual, demands typical of a male companion. Well, I would have to be politically incorrect in saying that what most of you are describing in a potential relationship does in fact exist. He would be your 'best gay', and you would be his 'fag hag.'

Even though I am a guy, and a gay one at that, I sometimes think I would enjoy being a fag hag. After all, having your best gay around can be lots of fun. Just when you think you are becoming crazy, and over the top in your drama, he will come flying through the door in such flaming style, instantly making you feel so normal.

Now there is the inherent problem that comes along with the best gay/fag hag relationship. Too many times Ms. Hag, changes her mind, and realizes that she does want more than just someone to do "platonic" things with. She begins to fantasize about love and romance, after all here is a guy, offering her all that was on her list. She then turns to her best gay and says, "Are you sure I can't turn you?"

Maybe you both even get a little drunk one night, and end up making complete fools of yourselves in your feeble attempts to cross the proverbial line. Let me tell you, it will only bring you sorrow. So if you do want to have all the benefits of having a man around, without his having his own list of demands, and you choose to go with a 'best gay' model, then steer clear of trying to make it become more than what it was originally supposed to be.

For this reason alone, I would make a terrible fag hag. I would always want more. I know myself well enough, that I cannot honestly say that I would be happy with a platonic relationship. No, I would be waking him up in the middle of the night wanting more than just my back scratched. I would also want flowers and dark chocolates. I would want surprise romantic dinners in quaint little outdoor cafes. And when we got home, I would want some hot passionate sex. Yes, that might includes whips and chains, honey and chocolate syrup, and tickling, and ...okay, I am not that adventurous. But I would want the opportunity to test drive some of this if I so desired.

What am I saying?

I want to love, and to be loved. I want to laugh, and to cry. I want to feel very connected, then have a knock out, drag out fight. I want to go on trips, and not be sitting in a restaurant alone with a book. I want to swim nude in the moon lit ocean. I want to fall asleep secure in someones arms, or with my arms securely wrapped around him.

I want it all.


  1. Well - I'd be first in line to have you as my 'best gay'! Though, since Sarah and I are now engaged, she may have a problem with that . . . ; )

    This is perhaps more relevant to the last post, but I think perhaps we don't really know how much we would want from someone, until in the position to choose. I 'almost' got asked out by a widower recently - he's been coming by my work rather frequently, and the other day brought me coffee and started asking me if I had started to date yet/if I felt ready, etc - and went on to tell me how he had, and knew that's what his wife wanted for him. I neglected to tell him that Elias had said the same because, well, I'm just not interested in 'him'.

    Sure, it would be great to have help, and it would be great to have someone around who understands the uniqueness of the situation, and to not be alone - but clearly it has to be the right person even for that. As for anything more than that - it 'really' has to be the right person, I'm sure. I'm not closed off to the idea, but I don't have the time or energy to look right now.

    ps. internet issues right now - but I'm sure you know I'm not really 'anonymous!'

  2. Yes Chelsea, I know that you are far from anonymous. I also see that you are up far too late. How do I know this, take a look at the time stamp for my return comment.

    I can't seem to get to sleep any earlier than 2am these days. It's a very bad habit that I seem to have returned to. I get home from work, and the house becomes a frenzy until around 11pm. I then sit down to do my writing, and before long, 2 am.

    I remember you mentioning your widower visitor who came by the store. I suppose this is him that you speak of. I think that you are very right to think a widower would get us better, but more importantly is that we eventually find someone who is every bit as special to us as Elias and Michael were.

    Take care. And get some sleep!


  3. You too! It's now 2:03 . . . . you go first =)


  4. I was thinking just that, dan. These straight guys who claim to want to be "friends" seem to have another agenda running in the background. At least, from what I remember; that was quite some time ago.
    I had to break up with my best gay a few years ago due to just too many melodramas and a list of requirements a mile long... from him. My requirement was only: please stop being so controlling. Yeah. That didn't work. I have twinges of missing him, but I know I Would want more - well, less. Less drama.

    Really, I just want someone secure in themselves and calm. Who am I kidding. I want matt. And that not being possible in this realm, I would like some silent, calm, self-assured, peaceful, non-scheming, good presence to hang out with. Well now, as I write this, the dog comes in and lays at my feet. And there we have it.

  5. I'm catching up with my reading after driving 1,100 miles in 2 days. I did actually read your last post when I woke up d ruing the night while at Fundy National Park in New Brunswick. Good test for this year's gear. If I can get on the net from that area of the coastal forest, it seems likely It will work just about everywhere.

    Anyhow, yes, relationships and such. I've been thinking about what widowed folk have to offer. I belong to an online penal site and enjoy it very much! But if you think we widowed people like to talk about our deceased partners quite a bit, that is nothing compared to some of the divorced people who go on and on about the dastardly deeds of their ex's and fasdhow they are living like prisoners, etc.. I must say, these are mainly men and they are so negative that it's pretty unpleasant. Other people are carrying other kinds of baggage or obsessions! So I don't feel we widowed people have anything to feel too apologetic about - other than we are talking about someone who died and some people seem to think that out of sight, out of mind, so they don't want to hear about any of it and treat it as though we are old farts telling stories about our adventures as soldiers in the Boer War.

    As for men about the house, I've spent so much of my life working with all kinds of men when I repaired car radiators, worked in an auto wreckers and as a journeyman auto parts man. In fact, I'm a lot more comfortable being with men, working with them, talking, etc - gay or otherwise. I don't feel too comfortable around most women, so if I were ever to cohabit again, I could see living with a man about the house. It was kind of fun having the couch surfer visiting this summer. I seem to like mentor roles where I teach people how to do something - carpentry, repairing cars, canoeing, or something along those lines. Funny, but right now, that appears to be the only way I want to interact with anyone - people to go out doing stream survey work with, or whatever. I've had - and still have those kinds of professional friendships - and will try to keep those going. But really, I'm more of a loner and don't seem to be missing humans too much thus far - just Don, of course. I'm always kind of relieved after visitors go away and I'm alone once more. No idea how things will pan out. I think I know -- just carry on alone 'till I croak, but maybe some creative living arrangement will arise. I mean, look at Georgia O'keeffe in her later years!

  6. Haha - I meant PENPAL site. The one drawback of typing on the iPad -- I seem to miss letters - sometimes inappropriately!

  7. me too, bev. I have never been a "lots of people" person. Very much a loner, so very very glad when people go home, or I get to go home. Matt too. Neither of us liked too many people around for very long, and he needed solitude even more than I do. Social events, not so much.
    That's part of why I do farm things - professional or skills based relationships feel alright to me. Something to DO rather than have to entertain. Ack, I can just hear people from my earlier years saying, "but there's not that much you actually like to do!" Those people were just not attuned to the fascinating world of tide pools and acorn caches.

  8. megan - that's just it - professional or skills based relationships feel good - and always have to me. I have a good male friend a few years younger than me who I go hiking and canoeing with - and have done so for about ten years. It's nothing more than a good friendship and never will be. Another male friend who I travel with on photography trips in the west - also for many years. He is like a brother to me and came east to help me for a month after Don died and I was trying to get on the road for the first time. That's about all I want now is those kinds of friends. But even with them, I don't know if I'd want them around in my house. brrrrhhh... the thought of anyone around my house for more than about a week grates. No do-able at the moment.

    Agree so much about people who don't get it that there's plenty to do in this world - in the tide pools, forests, marsh, or desert.

  9. I think I would need to move out if someone was planing on staying for a week. Overnight is pretty much enough, and that, infrequent.

  10. My daughters and I have always agreed that "every woman needs a gay". I love gay men and the friendship they offer. Alas, at this point in my life I do not have one (other than through the internet and you, Dan).
    I can see where a woman/man could want more from that man, but I just love the friendship, the fun, the advice, the closeness that only a friend can give.
    You need more than that, Dan. You need .... and deserve .... love. true love.
    I believe that it will come again. You are too great a guy to not be loved again.