Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A Clearer Shade of Blue.

Feeling blue

I finally made it back to my yoga class tonight. The minute I arrived, which was a little early, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness come over me. I quickly laid down my mat, and just kind of began centering myself. One of the guys walked by and mentioned how I must be eager to begin. I just smiled. Another of the guys came up behind me, and asked if he could take a closer look at the tattoos on my back. He comment about how beautiful they were. He then asked if I had any new ones, which I shared with him.

I think both of these small acts of interest made me feel kind of melancholy. Such small gestures can bring about such big emotions. This touched a part of me that was feeling quite vulnerable, and the rest of the class continued in that direction. It was another evening of looming sadness, followed by a deep wave of tears once I was securely in my car. At first I was trying to figure out why I was feeling so sad, but then reminded myself not to get caught up in trying to connect the dots. It is what it is.

One thing that I must remind myself is that for the first time in several years, I am dealing with all of my emotions without the aid of medication. A few months ago I began a decrease in all of my medications. I had so many at that point. Pills for my migraines, pills for anxiety and stress, and pills for depression. The last of these to go were the antidepressants. I had dropped the dose down during the last month, then finally got down to the last few pills, and chose not to refill my prescription. I now only take an allergy pill when needed. Oh, and to be honest here, I am back to taking a sleeping pill at night. Now that I have returned to work I need to get a full night's sleep, which I have never been able to do without medication. But I try not to count that one.

Given that I am now drug free, sounds funny, I can expect that I will be going through a period of time adjusting to feeling my grief in a new way. I'm going to just keep reminding myself that I will be fine, and keep moving forward. Just talking about this, or rather, writing about it, helps me to feel less sad. In a minute I'll climb up the stairs that reach to my bedroom, get into bed, and curl up with little Fido. I still can't believe he is here, and I still can't believe that I gave him such a generic name.

I think I can expect to be experiencing a clearer shade of blue for awhile. I think I'll be fine.


  1. Such small gestures can bring about such big emotions.

    Oh yes, for sure. Sometimes it's the kind guestures that catch you offguard and can bring on the tears.

    I still can't believe he is here...

    In my opinion, dogs are one of the better inventions on this planet. I sometimes wonder where I would be without my two dogs. The younger dog, Sage, likes to sleep with her back against my back - not curled up, but stretched to her full length. It feels like having a human lying against me during the night. Somewhat reassuring in some ways.

  2. "but then I reminded myself not to get caught up in trying to connect the dots. It is what it is."
    This line really spoke to me. It is a good reminder for me.

    I too am on anti-depressants and wonder if it is such a good idea. Does it mask the grief? How will I be when I go off them? etc etc

  3. Dan,

    Thanks for the comment on my blog. She is such a beautiful, mellow child & just reminds me so much of her Dad. I mostly read blogs w/o commenting these days as I'm usu. nursing when I read, so I rarely comment or comment typing with one hand in all lowercase.

    I wanted drugs badly when Brent first died, but I couldn't take anything because I was pregnant. Given the side-effects and articles I have read at www.naturalnews.com I'm glad that I couldn't take some of the "mainstream" stuff. I did take some homeopathics (Sedalia being one)& I found it quite successful.

  4. I know you'll be fine. And I love your clearer shade of blue.

    Love ya

  5. Here's my disclaimer. I'm not recommending that others follow suit, and go off their medications. I was on medication prior to Michael's death, as I was dealing with so much between his illness and the problems of my children. My going off the medication only happened when I felt that the time was right, and I then took plenty of time decreasing them. It is also too early to know if I made the right decision about this. Lately I have been dealing with more serious issues here at home, and have wondered if I did this at the right time.

    The other part is that I have been using my yoga/meditation as a way to suppliment how the medication was helping me in the past.

    My love and support to all of you.