Friday, September 10, 2010
Today was definitely a me day. I was up and out of the house fairly early, as I drive both boys to school in the morning. When I returned back to the house I decided that I wanted to finally finish unpacking and organizing the house. There wasn't much left to do, but the project I wanted to accomplish made a huge difference in the space we use as a study. My son Remy was quite impressed when he returned home from school. This made me feel really good.
At mid morning I had an appointment at a new spa that opened here in town. I had noticed an advertisement, and called to speak to the owner. She was thrilled to have what was likely her first customer. When I arrived she excitedly gave me a tour of the whole facility, and I could see that she really wanted some feedback and encouragement. It's wasn't hard to muster this, as she had done a really nice job with the place. Their treatments are very reasonably priced, and they had a promotion due to just opening the facility today. Everyone was being so attentive during the two hours that I was there. It was almost uncomfortable being pampered with so much attention, but once I gave into to it I was feeling good.
From there I went to meet with a tattoo artist in Hillcrest. His shop had a really nice write up online, and I got a good vibe from him. He did some preliminary sketching on my arm with some ideas that we spoke about. I am having a half sleeve completed on my left arm where most of my recent grieving tattoos are placed. I told the artist that I want to have all my ink come together to look complete. I also want to include some Kanji that symbolized acceptance of fate. He asked why I had my lotus flower done in black and gray, since it is usually such a vibrant and colorful flower. I explained what I had been going through at the time, and that it fit where I was in my journey. He suggested adding some color, as he like to have any piece that is something that should be alive, really pop out with color. I told him I liked his thinking, and wanted to whole thing to feel like I have come through a major part of my journey.
I think I am arriving at a place where I feel ready to start adding some vibrant color to my life. I
recognize that I need, and want, pleasure in my life. I want to be more comfortable receiving someones attention. I want to enjoy that which I already have, more fully. I want to find new things, and new people, to become part of the enjoyment of my life.
In researching the Kanji symbol that I want, I came across the symbol for Acceptance of Fate, and this is what I found. This word is hard to define. One dictionary defines this as, "acceptance of fate and happy about it". There is one rare English word equivalent which is sanguinity.You can also say that this means, "Be happy with whatever Heaven provides", or "Find happiness in whatever fate Heaven bestows upon you". This is kind of a way to suggest being an optimist in life.
I have decided that this is a symbol I can commit to. What it symbolizes is what I am aiming for. In spite of the many hardships I have gone through, I want to come out of this remaining optimistic. And why shouldn't I want that. If I am going to get through this then there needs to be something worth getting through it for. I may not always feel this way, and I may not always easily identify that which can bring me happiness, but here, today, I want to make this commitment.
Consider me a sanguine person. I accept that this is what life has brought me, and I'm going to find happiness in spite of it, and because of it.