Today was definitely a me day. I was up and out of the house fairly early, as I drive both boys to school in the morning. When I returned back to the house I decided that I wanted to finally finish unpacking and organizing the house. There wasn't much left to do, but the project I wanted to accomplish made a huge difference in the space we use as a study. My son Remy was quite impressed when he returned home from school. This made me feel really good.
At mid morning I had an appointment at a new spa that opened here in town. I had noticed an advertisement, and called to speak to the owner. She was thrilled to have what was likely her first customer. When I arrived she excitedly gave me a tour of the whole facility, and I could see that she really wanted some feedback and encouragement. It's wasn't hard to muster this, as she had done a really nice job with the place. Their treatments are very reasonably priced, and they had a promotion due to just opening the facility today. Everyone was being so attentive during the two hours that I was there. It was almost uncomfortable being pampered with so much attention, but once I gave into to it I was feeling good.
From there I went to meet with a tattoo artist in Hillcrest. His shop had a really nice write up online, and I got a good vibe from him. He did some preliminary sketching on my arm with some ideas that we spoke about. I am having a half sleeve completed on my left arm where most of my recent grieving tattoos are placed. I told the artist that I want to have all my ink come together to look complete. I also want to include some Kanji that symbolized acceptance of fate. He asked why I had my lotus flower done in black and gray, since it is usually such a vibrant and colorful flower. I explained what I had been going through at the time, and that it fit where I was in my journey. He suggested adding some color, as he like to have any piece that is something that should be alive, really pop out with color. I told him I liked his thinking, and wanted to whole thing to feel like I have come through a major part of my journey.
I think I am arriving at a place where I feel ready to start adding some vibrant color to my life. I
recognize that I need, and want, pleasure in my life. I want to be more comfortable receiving someones attention. I want to enjoy that which I already have, more fully. I want to find new things, and new people, to become part of the enjoyment of my life.
In researching the Kanji symbol that I want, I came across the symbol for Acceptance of Fate, and this is what I found. This word is hard to define. One dictionary defines this as, "acceptance of fate and happy about it". There is one rare English word equivalent which is sanguinity.You can also say that this means, "Be happy with whatever Heaven provides", or "Find happiness in whatever fate Heaven bestows upon you". This is kind of a way to suggest being an optimist in life.
I have decided that this is a symbol I can commit to. What it symbolizes is what I am aiming for. In spite of the many hardships I have gone through, I want to come out of this remaining optimistic. And why shouldn't I want that. If I am going to get through this then there needs to be something worth getting through it for. I may not always feel this way, and I may not always easily identify that which can bring me happiness, but here, today, I want to make this commitment.
Consider me a sanguine person. I accept that this is what life has brought me, and I'm going to find happiness in spite of it, and because of it.
What a wonderful vow.
ReplyDeleteIt is said that marriage vows are a commitment that one has to work at delivering. For us, it was nothing but a pleasure, each and every day.
This new vow ... is less than pleasurable, to say the very least, however, when worked at ... will surely bring pleasure back into your life.
I wish you nothing else.
I love you.
xx
the idea that you can think and feel this way - looking ahead with sanguinity -on this weekend when the rest of the country joins with you in looking back & remembering tragedy - just fills me with awe at your strength and spirit
ReplyDeletelove
I love the glimpses you provide into your days and this one sounds truly special on so many levels. I felt the past experiences meeting up with the present and the desire for blooming into the future. So many wonderful symbols and meanings in the day. The grey and dark lotus flower, totally appropriate for where you were, now on the brink of brightening! So many aspects of this day made me feel hopeful not only for you but me too! Making progress on the study, being receptive to meeting new people and accepting their generosity. Being able to meet a tattoo artist who offers you new insights on your journey. And then your interpretation of the Kanji symbol. Wow! Thank you for sharing all of this. I think for me the biggest message from this post, is that we need to be able to accept and be open to the new experiences available to us - meeting new, interesting, kind people; accomplishing household tasks that reward our lives; enjoying and being grateful for what already is but still searching for what can be. I will reflect on your words, thoughts and ideas over this weekend and consider them a real gift.
ReplyDeletemaybe leave some of the lotus in the dark smoky colors? or have a new, bright one? as a yin/yang kind of idea that we will always contain both?
ReplyDeleteGood point Carolyn. The lotus will maintain it's dark tones, as you can't take those away. He mainly wants to create some balance to the whole by introducing some color. My daughter has the same tattoo on her arm, as we had them done together. Hers has the dark smoky tones, as well as smoky incense rising from it. She chose to add some pink to it, which actually does create the balance you speak of.
ReplyDeleteThanks for you thoughts.