Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Nightmare before...moving forward.


I mistakenly published a post that I wrote for another site, so I need to get something out here to take it's place. It may be a sign that I am stretching myself a bit too thin, or that my mind is somewhere else these days. Whatever the case, I removed the post, which you can read later in the month on Widow's Voice.

Now, to get myself back on track, thinking about where I am today, on my own blog. As many of you read, last night, or into the wee early morning of today, September 1st, I had a bit of an emotional fall out. I'm feeling much better today, thanks to so many encouraging words that came my way. So thank you all.

One thing that has been on my mind today is a dream I had a couple of nights ago. I dreamed that two of my ex boyfriends died within days of each other. It was a complete fluke that this happened. These were guys that I hadn't seen in years. One of the guys in the dream was actually a real guy that I dated many years ago, and the other was part of my imaginary dream world. By coincidence both funerals were planned for the same day, and at the same chapel. It was out of town, so I rented a car, which for some reason I didn't know how to drive very well.

The whole dream had a very dark animated look, something like a Tim Burton film. After many false starts in finding my way to the chapel, I finally arrived. When I got there the minister informed me that I had just missed the first funeral, but that if I hurried I could make it to the burial at the cemetery. The next funeral wasn't due to start for awhile, so I jumped into the car and started following the cars in the distance. As dreams can do, this one became quite surreal. The closer that I should have come to the group of cars, the further the distance, and the more winding the road became. When I finally arrived at the cemetery it appeared that I missed the burial as well. I thought I would minimally be able to sit by the place where he was buried, but it turned out the he was buried at sea, and I couldn't get there by car.

This dream was crazy to be a part of, and most of it didn't make much sense to me. During the dream I remember feeling like I should have been considered a central part of the service since I had had a relationship with these men. I remember feeling like nobody understood that I was feeling widowed by them. It just never occurred to them.

When I woke up I realized how absurd this all was. How could I be considered a widower to every guy I ever dated? And if I was, that would bring me up to three times a widower, and any future prospects for dating would be finished. Right?

I suppose all this was to express my anxiety around past and future relationships. I am struggling to understand who I will be in any future relationships. I am wondering how I will be perceived, or how I will present myself. If I start adding new tattoos for every deceased lover, then my body will likely become a road map to Death. I suppose all these thoughts and worries are converging inside my head, and when I sleep they are creating a chaotic mess.

I'm going to take it for what it is, a silly dream. But if I get word that past boyfriends are dropping like flies, I'll let you know.


  1. I'm not a dream-interpreter, but I've certainly had odd dreams, or better freakin' scary nightmares, such as giving birth to a squirrel. I also have mothering experience in dealing with dreams of children - a more recent one being a buried placenta turning into a giant acid squid & sucking up our house. So much for my qualifications. :-)

    I wonder if the dream you had is maybe more symbolic. You mentioned difficulties in dealing with your husband's employer, for example. I wonder if the people who attended the funeral in your dream are symbolically the ones who just don't "get it;" the ones who are giving you a hard time; the ones who you want to "chase down," "wake up & "shake" (or worse). And you are standing there, crying out, while they still don't "get it" - as if they don't hear you. Maybe the two boy-friends are symbolic for Michael & it had to be two because he just meant so much to you. The chasing after something that is so close, yet never reached. It reminds me of wanting something back, but you just can't get it back, although it seems so close; so easy. I've had a dream like that about Brent. I walked towards him; told him I thought I was having a boy. He smiled. Reaching for him seemed so easy, I was sure I'd get him back now & in that instance he was gone & I woke up. Anyhoo. Just a thought.

    Oh, but I'm sure about this one: The car you didn't know how to drive very well... The message there is: Women are better drivers. :-)

    As far as dating goes, maybe you can stick to guys in their 20s who have passed an extensive physical - although you just *never* know. ;-) - Bad humor, I know. [I've always dated older guys. I'm 35. The thought of dating someone in their early 20s isn't all that appealing from a maturity standpoint. Who wants to decipher texts along the lines of... ii mizz yuhh !!!! wadzz gudd on yoo end !!?? Even creepier when you're a teacher. ;-)]

  2. Cadi, I love your interpretation of my dream. Do you want to be my therapist? My dream guru? The job is open. It doesn't pay for shit, but it is looked upon with high esteem.

    As for dating guys in their 20's. Well, part of me say YES, the carnal part of me, the other part says unlikely.

    Now I hate to be too critical, but you are a bit over confident in your assessment of the message about driving. But, you really had me laughing.

  3. Cadi and Dan, you have given me a much needed laugh this morning x

  4. In the week before matt died, I had several dreams that old, far ex-boyfriends' houses burned down, places I hadn't (in the dream), seen for decades. I thought it was part of things moving and shifting, matt and I moving deeper in our own relationship, and all old structures inside me, that housed old ideas of love, finally being burned away, after having been discarded and abandoned. Ah, well. Maybe so, maybe so - getting ready for this whole new realm of love. In the months after matt died, I often dreamed that I could call him on the cell phone, but every time I tried, I couldn't find the numbers or the buttons, or what I typed came out wrong - a vexation of communication.

    I like the idea of car as Vehicle - as in this vehicle, this current body you find yourself in, in this new situation: you don't know how it works yet, you're not yet accustomed to it.
    And the missing-the-rituals part, feeling left out - ? I did dreamwork stuff in that old life of mine, and one of my favorites is to go into meditation, put yourself back in the dream, freeze things and ask questions (like - stop at the meeting with the director guy, and ask whatever you'd like, or ask for some other guide or creature to come to you at the cemetery and ask what this means for you, or ask to be taken to that place in the sea, seeing as your own vehicle can't get you there). You can also go back in to the end, and keep the dream going, re-entering it, and choosing where it goes. All just ramblings, mind you - the mind is a strange and complex place, and messages, for me, are what They want to be, whether or not I think I know what they are. Know what I mean? The universe will tell you what she'd like you to know, in order to get you to do what she'd like you to do.

    In the realm of the far too young in so many ways - that young man from the beach I wrote about a bit ago was there at the beach this morning. Lordy. He was polite, but Man, I do not want to be hit on, even nicely, at 7 am when I am at the beach trying to be with my dog, not even fully awake yet. And how does one nicely say to a young person, "your language skills and methods of relating are not nearly mature enough for me to even want to interrupt my morning silence, and while you have nice biceps, I'd like you to go away now." Maybe he'll have a dream that tells him to leave me alone. Eek - no! Scratch that! He might interpret that differently!

  5. Hey Megan, great thoughts on re entering the dream and going further into it. I dream so seldom, so this type of exploration would be something I would enjoy, and likely benefit from.

    I wish I had your problem with young men, and their biceps, trying to engage me at the beach. some people have all the luck.

    I must say that this line:

    "The universe will tell you what she'd like you to know, in order to get you to do what she'd like you to do."

    made me laugh a bit. If there are any guys out there, this one's for you. Right away I thought, man, I have the good fortune of being gay, and I still have some woman nagging me about her thoughts, and telling me what to do!

    Sorry, I do have some internalized male chauvinism in me.

  6. aw, poor dear, product of your culture and all. Though, my mother in law harangues me with her thoughts and tells me what to do too, so maybe my internalized male has internalized chauvanism as well.

    I bet said young man could be mailed out to you, or at least sent on a cross-country errand. Now I will have to keep from laughing at that inside joke when I see him again (he asked if he could keep in touch with me, I said no. But he knows Boris and I are often at the beach).