Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Nightmare before...moving forward.
I mistakenly published a post that I wrote for another site, so I need to get something out here to take it's place. It may be a sign that I am stretching myself a bit too thin, or that my mind is somewhere else these days. Whatever the case, I removed the post, which you can read later in the month on Widow's Voice.
Now, to get myself back on track, thinking about where I am today, on my own blog. As many of you read, last night, or into the wee early morning of today, September 1st, I had a bit of an emotional fall out. I'm feeling much better today, thanks to so many encouraging words that came my way. So thank you all.
One thing that has been on my mind today is a dream I had a couple of nights ago. I dreamed that two of my ex boyfriends died within days of each other. It was a complete fluke that this happened. These were guys that I hadn't seen in years. One of the guys in the dream was actually a real guy that I dated many years ago, and the other was part of my imaginary dream world. By coincidence both funerals were planned for the same day, and at the same chapel. It was out of town, so I rented a car, which for some reason I didn't know how to drive very well.
The whole dream had a very dark animated look, something like a Tim Burton film. After many false starts in finding my way to the chapel, I finally arrived. When I got there the minister informed me that I had just missed the first funeral, but that if I hurried I could make it to the burial at the cemetery. The next funeral wasn't due to start for awhile, so I jumped into the car and started following the cars in the distance. As dreams can do, this one became quite surreal. The closer that I should have come to the group of cars, the further the distance, and the more winding the road became. When I finally arrived at the cemetery it appeared that I missed the burial as well. I thought I would minimally be able to sit by the place where he was buried, but it turned out the he was buried at sea, and I couldn't get there by car.
This dream was crazy to be a part of, and most of it didn't make much sense to me. During the dream I remember feeling like I should have been considered a central part of the service since I had had a relationship with these men. I remember feeling like nobody understood that I was feeling widowed by them. It just never occurred to them.
When I woke up I realized how absurd this all was. How could I be considered a widower to every guy I ever dated? And if I was, that would bring me up to three times a widower, and any future prospects for dating would be finished. Right?
I suppose all this was to express my anxiety around past and future relationships. I am struggling to understand who I will be in any future relationships. I am wondering how I will be perceived, or how I will present myself. If I start adding new tattoos for every deceased lover, then my body will likely become a road map to Death. I suppose all these thoughts and worries are converging inside my head, and when I sleep they are creating a chaotic mess.
I'm going to take it for what it is, a silly dream. But if I get word that past boyfriends are dropping like flies, I'll let you know.