Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Make a wish
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Today I had this saying going through my head..."Be careful what you wish for, because it might come true."

Last night after giving thought to my idea of a move, I decided to do a quick online job search to see what might be available to me. I hate to even discuss this, because it is starting to feel like my proposed move to San Diego could possibly be easier than I initially thought. In my first, and only, job search I came up with a job that was just posted last week. It is for a family court counselor, and it is within the same salary range of my current job. I have worked within the family and child dependency court process for 21 years. It is the type of job that I would jump at the opportunity if it were posted here in San Francisco. So why am I suddenly very nervous?

Today I met with my primary medical provider. As I may have mentioned in the past, he is also a widower. It has been interesting to check in with each other over the past couple of years as each of our spouses were battling, then succumbing to, cancer. My purpose in meeting with him today was to discuss my concern about my recent level of depression. We discussed a plan to better address my depression through medication. Once we were through with the topic of my appointment, he asked if I had started dating yet. This was done in good humor, as during my last appointment I had mentioned to him how so many in my prior support group had mentioned dating much sooner than they originally expected. I said that at 7 months I was no where near ready to entertain the idea of dating. I told him it was the last thing on my mind these days. He asked what changes I had been considering, at which time I shared with him my thoughts about moving. I mentioned the job posting I had found, and that although it seemed ideal, it also seemed perhaps too soon. He reminded me that the kids will be out of school in about 6 weeks, and that just because I get offered a job, doesn't mean I have to take it.

I realized that he was so right. This whole idea of applying for a new job is so foreign to me. After all, I have been with my job for 21 years. (Now I feel very old.) I suddenly felt a sense of freedom in the idea that I could put out as many feelers as I wanted. Who knows if any job offers will be made, but what a great opportunity to test the waters.

Tonight I sat my kids down to discuss my decision to move forward on this. I explained that while this is all just in the exploration process, I felt that they should be aware of this step that I am taking. Initially you could hear, and feel, the sound of three jaws dropping to the floor. When I told them about the job I was going to apply for, they all began to panic. Suddenly this all seemed very real.

This all takes me back to the end of our spring break trip to San Diego. The kids had such a wonderful week. They loved visiting with all of our relatives, and kept talking about what it would be like to live near all of them. When we were at the resort I mentioned to them that Michael and I had been considering San Diego as a possible place to move to. At the time, the kids all jumped at the idea of such a move. They said they had never thought they would want to move to southern California, but suddenly liked the idea. Now I think they are thinking the same thing as myself, "Be careful what you wish for, because it might come true."

I'm not going to get too far ahead of myself. I'm just going to take the first step forward, and see what comes of it. One thing I can say is this, for the first time, in a long time, I'm feeling like there is something to look forward to.

1 comment:

  1. Your kids' reaction to your proposal of a move to s. California is pretty normal. It takes time for just about anyone to accept the possibility of change. However, after a little while, it may well grow on them as they consider some of the positive things that could come out of a relocation. I was thinking the same about how a move could happen during that break between school years. My family moved several times while I was growing up and my parents always made sure that the relocations happened during the summer -- actually while we were at our cottage -- so that we returned "home" to a new house and school. It was actually a pretty smooth way of doing things.
    Your doctor is right. You don't have to accept a job offer, but one thing you will learn during the application process is a bit about the place you would be working, the kind of people you might be working with, and so on. That can help you to decide whether the idea is appealing and workable, or whether it truly gives you cold feet. Likewise, there is nothing to stop you from looking at properties online, and if you see something you like, you can contact agents for more particulars and perhaps take a trip down south in a few weeks to look at some of the places your house search has come up with. You kids might even get into this whole thing if you approach the "exploration phase" as an adventure.
    Your mention of, for he first time in a long time "feeling like there is something to look forward to" is familiar to me. Last summer, when I put the farm for sale, I was *sure* I could get it ready and sold quickly and then come to N.S. to look for a place. Long story short, I did get everything done at lightspeed, but then things got tied up for several weeks by a buyer who couldn't get his financing arranged quickly, so things lingered on into late summer and I felt unable to move forward so long as there was a doubt that the sale would close by autumn. My former feelings of hopefulness and excitement began to decline into sadness at being "stuck" with my place over the winter. It did get sold, but too late to buy a place and move to N.S. Instead, I went to Bisbee. By January, I was back to looking at N.S. houses online and noticed that my spirits began to soar once again. In retrospect, I think that was a validation of how the prospective move would feel to me -- and I still feel that way as I write this -- even though I'm sitting here at the keyboard of my laptop, on a drafting table set up in an empty room in the midst of my already underway renovation work.
    My only real advice is to try to listen to your heart on this possible moving strategy. Don and I always had a theory about Nova Scotia -- that if we went to a place that made our spirits soar -- a place with breath-taking landscape and vistas, funky old houses, beautiful gardens, good organically grown food from local farms -- we would find people like ourselves. Although it's been only a week, I can already tell that we were right about this -- this area is a mecca for artists, writers, gardeners, organic growers, photographers, people who love old architecture, furniture, etc... There's something to be said about going to your heart's home.