Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Message to Michael

cupid stencil
Originally uploaded by

Dearest Michael,

Happy Anniversary.

This greeting might confuse some, as I began my blog on our first wedding anniversary, October 19, 2009. Yet, as you know, we never celebrated a wedding anniversary together. We were blessed with almost 11 months of marriage before you died. Oh how I wanted to you to make it to our first wedding anniversary. I remember this time last year, April 21, 2009, wondering if I should take out the top tier of our wedding cake that was tucked away in the freezer. I spent so many nights wondering what was the right thing to do. From my conversations with your doctor I knew that you were doing better than ever expected, but that your tumor had continued to grow. He had privately told me that time was not on our side. Yet, I was worried about what kind of message I would be giving you if I took our cake out 6 months early. I didn't want you to take that as an indication that you wouldn't be around for our first wedding anniversary.

Last year on this day you and I went out for a casual dinner at Nirvana. We had our favorite noodle dishes, and toasted each other with our juice drinks. We had just returned a few days prior from Sedona, Arizona. We had such a wonderful, and extravagant, time there, that we decided to have a quieter, more humble anniversary dinner. Nirvana was our favorite place to eat out on our own. Every time I walk past it I pause, look in, and smile. I can picture us sitting in the back garden area, enjoying our meal. I can't bring myself to go into the restaurant yet, but I know that one day I will.

Two years ago on this day you were in Santiago, Chile. Everyone around here looked at me like I was mad when I informed them that I had dropped you off at the airport for a two week visit with Craig. They were all rightly concerned, as you had been having some side effects from the chemo, and there were still the occasional small seizures. But I told them, as I told you, that it was important that you go out there and do the things that make you happy. I knew that Craig would take good care of you should anything come up, and we scheduled your trip in between your treatments. I could see that you were very excited about this trip, if not a little worried. I packed away a couple of surprises for you in your suitcase to be opened once in Chile. I remember you saying that you went through your bag while at the airport, found the surprises, and opened them on the airplane. You were able to read my words while in flight, which you said gave you some needed assurance that everything would be alright. When you came home you brought me the heart carved out of marble which you have engraved "Con Amor de Chile. -Miguel." It is sitting next to the candle on our bookshelf right now, reflecting the warm glow of the flame.

Three years ago on this day you and I went out to celebrate our first anniversary. You had noticed a small little French restaurant that looked very quaint. You were so excited about the restaurant that I didn't have the heart to say that I hated french cooking. Our waitress was very French, which added to the authenticity of the evening. I was so proud to hear you speaking in French to the staff while at the restaurant. We opted for the 7 course meal, with the wine pairing. Again, you were in heaven. Every dish that was brought to our table was described by the waitress in a way that was divine poetry. Each glass of wine was sampled by you with such an educated appreciation for it's region and flavor. Your pallet was in total bliss. Mine, on the other hand, was wanting to run for the French Alps. You tried to explain to the waitress that I didn't eat red meat or dairy, which I really appreciated. But, in the end, I chose to set aside any moral convictions, except when the veal showed up, and sample each dish. And while I don't have quite the educated appreciation of the various wines like you did, each glass was very helpful in getting down some of the dishes that I found to be swallow-challenging. By the end of the meal we were enjoying our dessert, and feeling no pain. I think we had a very sexy and romantic romp at home, or maybe just passed out. It's all a blur to me now.

(Now would be the time to cue the music player on the right to song #1)

Post-Habeas celebration
Originally uploaded by

Four years ago on this night, I getting the kids all settled in for the evening. I ordered them a pizza, and made sure there was a mutual agreement on what movie to watch that evening. I then began grooming myself for a night out on the town. For the past six months I had been casually dating someone who was too closeted for my taste. He was a nice guy, but it was clear to me that it wasn't leading to anything serious. Since he had chosen to go out of town, and I had just returned myself from visiting my folks, I decided I should go out and have a belated birthday celebration on my own. I went to my usual spot, if I even had one, Badlands, to listen to music, and hopefully get in some dancing. I must have been deep into thought when some strange guy came up to me with an odd little comment. "Hey, people might accuse you of being straight unless you start shaking those hips a bit." Hmmm. I laughed at the weak attempt at humor, then went back to my thoughts. It took me a few minutes before I realized that you had just come on to me. A Casanova you are not. I looked across the bar, only to find you standing next to the dance floor by yourself. I saw your eyes, and I smiled. I walked up to you and asked why someone with such a commentary was not dancing himself. You shyly explained that nobody had asked you. I smiled for the third time. We moved into the middle of the dance floor, and danced together for about an hour. By the end of all of this dancing, the heat was beginning to rise. It was clear that Cupid's arrow had pierced my heart, and I never saw it coming.

Happy Anniversary Michael. I love you. I bless this day, my favorite day of the year.


"LOOK ON THE FLOOR" -Bananarama

It's close to midnight and I'm leaving now
I'm getting in my car and heading out
And can't slow down
Cuz I don't know how

You got my number so we'll be fine
So go and use it just don't waste my time
Cuz you're on my mind
And you know I'm right

You take me over
Stay with me
And we'll fade away


Look on the floor
And all is spinning round
Someone told me this was just a dance
And take a chance
And I'll give you more
Do you really think we have a chance

Devil's in your eyes and he's looking at me
I got what you want and you know what I need
Come on show me how
How do you get down

You take me over
Stay with me
And we'll fade away

(repeat chorus twice)

Do you really think we have a chance

Do you really think we have a chance


  1. Such lovely rememberings of all your anniversaries and the night you two met. Beautiful. I wish you peace in your memories and a happiness that it all happened.

  2. You have me in tears, Dan. My heart at once felt so much joy seeing the image of your beautiful memories with Michael, and yet so sad now that I am done reading. My heart goes out to you and your beloved. I so wish things were different.


  3. Happy Anniversary and thank you for sharing your sweet memories. Your love for each other shines through. May it continue to sustain you and bring you some peace.

  4. i can add nothing more. you are in my thoughts and prayers.