If You Are...[CP]
Originally uploaded by http://www.flickr.com/people/dan-lem2001/
I'm in desperate need of some inspiration. I am tired. I have a cold. And, I have to work on my day off tomorrow. Well, maybe not the whole day, but I haven't had a whole day to myself in a long time. I'm not actually sure what I would do with a whole day to myself.
Today was one of those days that seem to just go by without anything of significance happening, or getting done. I had hoped to get to church this week, as I have become one of those holiday Catholics, something I never thought would happen. This is probably a subject best saved for later writing, as faith has become a sensitive subject for me these days.
Earlier today the kids and I started watching the movie "Signs." It is one that I had seen many years ago. Normally I don't watch anything with the god-awful Mel Gibson, but I decided to put my politics, and personal values, aside and watch the movie. It is one of those movies that takes on new meaning now that I am a widower. It's kind of an ongoing odd awareness when I find myself watching a film that deals with the loss of a spouse. Even after 7 months I find myself caught off guard with the fact that this is my reality. In today's film Mel's character is a minister who loses his wife, which causes him to experience a loss of faith.
Now, wait a minute. Didn't I just say that I should save this subject for a later time? Well, maybe I will just skim the surface tonight.
Mel's character feels so betrayed by God. He struggles with the question of whether life is just arbitrary, where everything happens by chance. If this is not the case, then everything must happen for a reason.
This is exactly the question I ask myself all the time. Why did Michael have to die? The easy answer, of course, is that we all have to die. But, why him, now? Was it just arbitrary? Was Michael's name pulled out of some heavenly hat? If so, I would like to kick the angel's ass who did the picking. And if, as some say, everything happens for a reason, then what reason could it possibly be? In today's movie, the wife's death, and last words, provided clues to save the life of her son, and possibly her whole family. Short of our own alien attack, I just don't see that any reason will be forthcoming.
I look at the loss of Michael at such an early age, and I don't see the value. What could possibly be gained, or learned, by this? He had so much still to do, and had just found someone to do it with. I just don't understand. I guess that for my own peace of mind, today at least, I would have to say that Michael's death is arbitrary. Why did God call him home, as some would say? I suppose it is not for me to understand. Only for me to react to, or be affected by.
I think the only honest response that I have right now is that I am still at odds with God. Okay, that's putting it nicely. I am still quite angry with God. I have been angry with God for over two years now. At times I have felt blessed, by having Michael in my life, and by having him for two years post diagnosis. Yet, a lot of the time I am still angry, wondering why I have to be in the position to count my blessings, or to be the one who should be grateful for the time we had...blah, blah, blah blah blah.
Perhaps this is not a good night to get into this type of discussion. I think I am just feeling a wee bit ornery.
I know this is not much of a consolation, but even an atheist can feel great anger over the injustice and stupidity of the decidedly premature death of his or her spouse. However, in this case, it's more a fury over how illogical it is, or nasty fate or luck. Fortunately, my own anger seems to have gradually faded since last December or so. Yes, I still have the odd surge of anger, but most of the time, it is now absent. Well, back on the road today - bound for Nova Scotia. Not sure if I'll be able to able to keep up with blog-reading for awhile, but will catch up whenever I have a net connection set up at the new (wrecky old) house. Until then, take care.
ReplyDeleteI'd come into such a period of deep goodness and trust in love-as-god. Then - poof. Arbitrary. Ridiculous. And why let so many (ahem) gross, flailing, ugly people in the world be here, and you take the beautiful, honest, sweet man who was an awesome example and teacher while he was here, on his own and with me? where is the f-logic in any of that? And me too - wasn't I of way better USE to god or love or anything when I trusted love or god or anything? With you, my friend.
ReplyDeletei have listened at the grief group to those who are angry at God. i have read it in all the books on grief as something everyone feels. i have yet to feel it and maybe never will. i cannot find the anger inside me to look upon anyone's death as part of God's itinerary. "got that one. check." i have seen two things during my life that have given me my belief in Him. as for everyday existence, i guess i have always thought of it scientifically and then childishly. our bodies are fragile and our time, finite. it is biology. then the childishness steps up and i have always believed God cries with us and hopes we find comfort in His promises. but then one stumbles across Twain's "Letters to Earth" and i see that i could be very wrong. so i hand myself the Pascal's wager card and drop my gaze to my feet and keep going.
ReplyDeletei very much wish you peace.
I have felt the anger at the injustice of Austin dying before his time, before our kids got to grow up with their Dad beside them, guiding them and loving them. There is so much injustice out there, which I really became attuned to once I started reading and following these blogs. Wonderful people die and horrible people get to live. Is it random? Is it part of God's plan? Is it just biology? I wish I knew and understood it so I could release my anger at the injustice of it all. That being said, time passing has allowed me to let go of some of the anger. I don't know how. I just feel like a kettle that was boiling for so long that some of the water (anger) has evaporated. I hope time passing continues to lessen the anger so I can solely focus on love.
ReplyDeletePeace to you today Dan.
I guess I have never thought that everything that happens is part of God's plan. There are accidents that take life and may be a result of the person doing something stupid. Why Michael went at such a young age? Who knows. Why did my young mother drop dead from something no pathologist ever found-who knows. Bad things happen, but believe me, if I get to Heaven--that will be the first question I ask. The "why" of it all.
ReplyDeletenice, w-n-s. I try to go by the pascal wager too. I figure I can choose to believe that Love underlies and directs everything - and I have seen and lived way too many things to think otherwise, or I can choose to believe that nothing means anything at all (or worse). I don't want to live in a world where nothing means anything at all, and there is no underlying love, whether via god or via physics. I don't know that there's a plan, but I know I can make this far better or far worse for myself. If I'm wrong, at least I live a more peaceful delusion. Though I do get stuck in the abyss right now, for sure.
ReplyDelete