If You Are...[CP]
Originally uploaded by http://www.flickr.com/people/dan-lem2001/
I'm in desperate need of some inspiration. I am tired. I have a cold. And, I have to work on my day off tomorrow. Well, maybe not the whole day, but I haven't had a whole day to myself in a long time. I'm not actually sure what I would do with a whole day to myself.
Today was one of those days that seem to just go by without anything of significance happening, or getting done. I had hoped to get to church this week, as I have become one of those holiday Catholics, something I never thought would happen. This is probably a subject best saved for later writing, as faith has become a sensitive subject for me these days.
Earlier today the kids and I started watching the movie "Signs." It is one that I had seen many years ago. Normally I don't watch anything with the god-awful Mel Gibson, but I decided to put my politics, and personal values, aside and watch the movie. It is one of those movies that takes on new meaning now that I am a widower. It's kind of an ongoing odd awareness when I find myself watching a film that deals with the loss of a spouse. Even after 7 months I find myself caught off guard with the fact that this is my reality. In today's film Mel's character is a minister who loses his wife, which causes him to experience a loss of faith.
Now, wait a minute. Didn't I just say that I should save this subject for a later time? Well, maybe I will just skim the surface tonight.
Mel's character feels so betrayed by God. He struggles with the question of whether life is just arbitrary, where everything happens by chance. If this is not the case, then everything must happen for a reason.
This is exactly the question I ask myself all the time. Why did Michael have to die? The easy answer, of course, is that we all have to die. But, why him, now? Was it just arbitrary? Was Michael's name pulled out of some heavenly hat? If so, I would like to kick the angel's ass who did the picking. And if, as some say, everything happens for a reason, then what reason could it possibly be? In today's movie, the wife's death, and last words, provided clues to save the life of her son, and possibly her whole family. Short of our own alien attack, I just don't see that any reason will be forthcoming.
I look at the loss of Michael at such an early age, and I don't see the value. What could possibly be gained, or learned, by this? He had so much still to do, and had just found someone to do it with. I just don't understand. I guess that for my own peace of mind, today at least, I would have to say that Michael's death is arbitrary. Why did God call him home, as some would say? I suppose it is not for me to understand. Only for me to react to, or be affected by.
I think the only honest response that I have right now is that I am still at odds with God. Okay, that's putting it nicely. I am still quite angry with God. I have been angry with God for over two years now. At times I have felt blessed, by having Michael in my life, and by having him for two years post diagnosis. Yet, a lot of the time I am still angry, wondering why I have to be in the position to count my blessings, or to be the one who should be grateful for the time we had...blah, blah, blah blah blah.
Perhaps this is not a good night to get into this type of discussion. I think I am just feeling a wee bit ornery.