Originally uploaded by Mixed Media Mosaics
Today was a very busy, and emotionally exhaustive, day. Toward the end of the afternoon I went to my therapy, and just put everything out there. I decided that there was no reason to pretend that I am not at my lowest of lows. It's an odd place to find myself actually. My day to day, or hour to hour pain, is no where near that which I experienced in the early months. It is more of my outlook on life that has become so compromised.
I feel like I don't have much of a future to look forward to. All that I wanted out of life seems to have been taken away from me. It was taken away so soon after acquiring it. I find myself battling between anger and despair. This is not something that I came up with by myself. It was what my therapist pointed out to me today. I had a very powerful session, where I could speak from that place of anger, and also go to those feelings of despair.
I no longer have the energy to look at the bright side, or to even make an attempt at optimism. Last night I was feeling so bad, that I came down to my room and shut off any sign of life around me. Something happened to my garden lights, as they were completely out when I came down to my room last night. This meant I could not sit on my bed and look out at the garden or my little Buddha. That kind of sealed the deal for me. I closed the blinds to my windows so no moonlight could get in. I blew out the candles I had just lit. I turned off the electronic frame which displays to many photos of Michael and I in happy times. My room was completely dark. There was no sign of life. I sat there on my bed, feeling the complete absence of anything life giving. I cried, and cried. It was definitely a time for purging.
Try as I might, I just don't see happiness in my future. I don't see what could possibly be in store for me. I feel stuck. I question why I should keep on going. I wonder what the effort could possibly reward me with. I decided this afternoon that I needed to make an appointment to see my doctor. Perhaps it is time to change the medication I am on. I don't want to continue flirting with suicidal ideations. I realize that I need something different in my life. Perhaps something new.
I have decided to begin exploring a change of scenery. I never thought I would ever want to move back down to southern California, but I am now considering it. I have hundreds of relatives down there, and many friends. By moving out of San Francisco, and selling my house, I may be able to get into a fun fixer upper with a very small house payment. In two years my car will be paid off, which will mean less money needing to go out. This combined with a much smaller house payment could give me the opportunity to change my career. If I stay here I will never be able to afford to leave my job. It pays well, and supports the expensive cost of living in the Bay Area. But I am realizing that I no longer have what it takes to do my job. I want to do something different. I also would like to live in a home that needs my care and attention. I want a garden to work in that doesn't consist of a bunch of garden boxes. I want to work with the soil in the ground.
Although there are places where I would prefer to live, they are all out of state, and much further from all of my family. This would be too difficult on the children. The reality is that the kids would really enjoy living closer to all of our extended family. It would put me in the position of having access to more support. I have decided to begin my search in San Diego. There is a neighborhood in San Diego that I really love. It would give me access to places I truly enjoy, such has coffee houses and foreign film cinemas. We would be only a couple of hours away from all of our relatives. Close enough for regular visits, yet far enough to maintain my need for solitude.
It feels good to have a new plan.