Saturday, April 10, 2010
Roses in vase
Originally uploaded by Howitzer23
Today has been another relatively good day. I was visited by Michael's mother and two nieces. It was such a familiar occurrence. As I was expecting them around lunch time, I ran out to buy some things to have lunch ready for them when they arrived. This is something I have been doing for the past four years. Of course in the past Michael was a part of this.
I noticed during today's visit, Michael's mother and I were becoming more familiar with spending time together without Michael. During the past six months our time together often brought up a lot of emotions, as would be expected. We are the two people closest to Michael, and we are a constant reminder of him.
When his mother arrived today she brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers as an early birthday gift. I thought it was very nice of her to remember my birthday, and to take the time to do this for me. Something she did though, was just like Michael. Whenever he bought me a ready made bouquet of flowers he would buy extra roses to add to the bouquet. He always said the ones in the store didn't have the right amount of red roses. Today, his mother arrived with a mixed bouquet, and another bouquet of red roses to add the the mixed flowers.
It is small similarities like this, that make me appreciate his mother so much. It is so clear how similar he and his mother were. That in itself is a odd thing to say, because neither one of them would have thought so. It made me think about my thoughts this week about having a bit of Michael within me. Each time I see his mother I notice a bit more of Michael. Now, we often say kids are like their parents, but I also think our kids teach us many things. Michael not only learned so much about life from his mother, but she learned a lot from him. And as I sat there catching up with her, I could feel Michael sitting there at the table with us.
These types of insights are becoming more and more comforting to me. I am learning that there are ways in which I can remember Michael, and many ways to continue to experience his presence. If I allow them, they will occur. This is part of my journey toward healing. As time continues to move forward, I am forced to accept, and adjust to, his death.
He is no longer here. I accept this. Is there any moving on? No. I will keep trying to move forward, but not away. My heart still aches for him. My body still yearns for him. My thoughts are still with him.