Saturday, April 10, 2010


Roses in vase
Originally uploaded by

Today has been another relatively good day. I was visited by Michael's mother and two nieces. It was such a familiar occurrence. As I was expecting them around lunch time, I ran out to buy some things to have lunch ready for them when they arrived. This is something I have been doing for the past four years. Of course in the past Michael was a part of this.

I noticed during today's visit, Michael's mother and I were becoming more familiar with spending time together without Michael. During the past six months our time together often brought up a lot of emotions, as would be expected. We are the two people closest to Michael, and we are a constant reminder of him.

When his mother arrived today she brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers as an early birthday gift. I thought it was very nice of her to remember my birthday, and to take the time to do this for me. Something she did though, was just like Michael. Whenever he bought me a ready made bouquet of flowers he would buy extra roses to add to the bouquet. He always said the ones in the store didn't have the right amount of red roses. Today, his mother arrived with a mixed bouquet, and another bouquet of red roses to add the the mixed flowers.

It is small similarities like this, that make me appreciate his mother so much. It is so clear how similar he and his mother were. That in itself is a odd thing to say, because neither one of them would have thought so. It made me think about my thoughts this week about having a bit of Michael within me. Each time I see his mother I notice a bit more of Michael. Now, we often say kids are like their parents, but I also think our kids teach us many things. Michael not only learned so much about life from his mother, but she learned a lot from him. And as I sat there catching up with her, I could feel Michael sitting there at the table with us.

These types of insights are becoming more and more comforting to me. I am learning that there are ways in which I can remember Michael, and many ways to continue to experience his presence. If I allow them, they will occur. This is part of my journey toward healing. As time continues to move forward, I am forced to accept, and adjust to, his death.

He is no longer here. I accept this. Is there any moving on? No. I will keep trying to move forward, but not away. My heart still aches for him. My body still yearns for him. My thoughts are still with him.


  1. a beautiful connection you have seen, the similar ways of mother and son. how fortunate you are to get to spend time with her. and yes, you will never move on. none of us will ever move on. time will, however, propel us forward but never away. peace to you.

  2. You are blessed to have the connection to Michael's mother. Austin's brothers live far away but when we talk to them on the phone I somtimes catch a glimpse of him in their phrases and voices. Makes me wish I could visit them in person more often, but it also catches me off guard and sometimes bring tears to my eys. I'm going to try and see it as a way that he remains closer to us, instead of a reminder that he isn't here the next time it happens. Thank you for the nudge in the direction of moving forward.

  3. Your most recent posts address something I've noticed in over the past year - that it seems as though Don is with me - and I don't mean that in a spiritual sense - but that somehow, it seems as though something of who he was and how he thought or saw things - seems to have become part of me. When I deal with a problem or situation, it seems as though I am studying everything from more than my own point of view. I suppose the explanation is that one can't live without someone without picking up at least a few habits, qualities, ways of seeing -- but maybe there is more to all of this. I don't know. All I know is that I have been changing in interesting ways - I don't feel quite so "alone" lately as I feel more like the sum of two parts (or perhaps even three if I include my dad as well as Don). Lately, I've even noticed that I'm quite happy with my aloneness. I'll have something to say about that in a post coming up pretty soon. By the way, I very much agree with the statement, "Is there any moving on? No. I will keep trying to move forward, but not away." Yes, that is how it seems to me. I don't see myself "moving on" but more like "moving forward". It is the "moving forward" and challenging myself with new and more difficult things that seems to be helpful and is teaching me how to learn to carry on alone. Before, the thought of having to deal with everything seemed overwhelming - but lately, as I successfully deal with situations, I feel stronger and happier with what I've managed to do of the past 18 months. I cringe a little when I think of where I might be now if I had not tried so hard to move forward.

  4. You are very lucky to have that connection and have those similarities with his mother. This is an area I unfortunately don't relate with you on. That said, I really see that with Elias' brothers, but they each live half a world away. We're lucky that we can video chat with them, and try to do so every couple of weeks because it really is so comforting. I can see how you would cherish that with Michael's mother.

    I know I've been a little 'mia' lately, but I have been keeping up with reading your posts for the most part and continue to keep you and yours in my thoughts every day.