Monday, April 26, 2010

Drowning in Reality

going under
Originally uploaded by
Diana K K (is beautifully disturbed)

Real time for Dan, has become too real. There is nothing left in me. I feel like an empty shell, that is somehow supposed to fit in all the unconditional love, resources, and everything that is supposed to make everyone else's life run smoothly.

I simply fail to see what the purpose is anymore. In every direction I look, there doesn't appear to be something in it for me.


  1. I'm sorry you're feeling as you do. Believe me when I say that I pretty much know how you feel. Drowning is a good way to describe the feeling. Sometimes it seems that everything is conspiring to sandbag us -- and yes, given the circumstances, why shouldn't we wonder why we should keep going. What's in it for us? All I can say is, that I had those kinds of feelings a lot of the time a year ago, but that a year, it's different -- I don't think so much about expectations for the future. I tend to just live in the now - knowing well that some days will be good, a few will be very good, some will be crapy, the odd one will be super crappy - but none ever last too long. Timewise, I think you're going through the time that I found hardest too.

  2. i am also sorry you are feeling this way. it is all too familiar. the question of if the reason for being has passed by and was never realized, or, if performed and is now over, then why are we still here. it is a feeling that can consume until i personally am curled in the fetal position sobbing.

    it is work, to continue the metaphor, to keep swimming. this is the work of grief that i guess they talk about. i do not know but it is certainly a physical effort to get up and get back to the mundane moment-to-moment tasks of life.

    try to draw on things from the past that have brought you strength or peace. a song. a passage from a book. so long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other. so long as you keep remembering that there are at least a handful of people who sincerely want to meet you, who sincerely want to see your eyes, hear your voice, touch your hand. there are some people who are out swimming in oceans of grief by themselves that have all promised to rendezvous in San Diego in August.

    who knows, while we are there we may all decide to become bohemian vagabonds roaming the earth looking for our individual reasons for still being here, only to stop by home and find it there.

    i am now going to drug up and return to bed and see if i can find that fuzzy place where the pain of my stitches and the work of the day can coincide. this is a time when i wish with all my heart and soul that i was not physically alone, but in my Dragon's loving arms.

    you are in my thoughts and prayers as you always are. peace.

  3. coincidence or not. to post my above comment the secret code was fraternitas. Latin for brotherhood. it was such an odd word from all the combinations that pop up to type it - especially in relationship to my comment about those who have come to know you wanting to share that weekend in August with you.

    i just thought maybe this might make you feel warmer when you feel cold inside.


  4. I also wonder - why still be here? I have to believe that there is some gift to give, though I may not ever know the goodness of life "before" again. I have seen and felt and known too much to believe that there is nothing left. It's just that I also know that my having some reason to be here, some gift to give, does not actually equate to goodness-for-me. For all I know, my Gift to give may be god learning about someone going completely insane.

    This morning, I woke up thinking of a passage I read almost 20 years ago, referring to mushrooms: The actual organism lives underground, sometimes miles and miles across, a vast network with one core. When it is ready, and conditions are right, it sends up the fruit (mushrooms).
    The fruit may get eaten or rot or go unnoticed or get squished. but it is given, regardless. The real being lives underneath, The fruiting body is a gift to the world.

  5. I wish I had an easy answer or solution but there isn't one. On the days where I feel completely overwhelmed by my reality, including single parenting a teenager and and preteen with some serious issues, my job where I need to always be on the giving end, and the loss of the one person who was my true partner in all of the above and so much more, I just try to remember to breathe. It starts and simply as that, and usually follows a some kind of a break down on my end. I just try to find one or two positives to think about and I focus on breathing. Sometimes it takes me quite a while, but eventually I get back to where I need to be to centre myself and be the person I need to be to deal with all my responsibilities.

    I read an interesting post the other day about how when we get down (this one focused on being a single parent) and feeling sorry for ourselves because we didn't choose this reality, we need to remember that our kids didn't choose it either. No one chose this crappy new reality that we have to live in, but somehow, because we're the adults, it's up to us to make it work. I want to hide out and have no responsibilites for a long time. I want to have a temper tantrum and have people look after me. Damn it, I deserve it. Look at how much I've lost, how much we've all lost. But, I chose to become a parent, and an employee (at least until I win the lottery :) ), so I need to take a breath and just do it. Somedays this is harder than others. Sometimes it feels impossible. But I know you will pull yourself out of your despair and hopelessness and find some light and hope again. Because your kids need you. Because there are many of us who are counting on you being in San Diego and out here in cyberspace. Because Michael loves you and you are the one who can keep his memory and love alive so they can go on making the world a better place. Because there is something for you out there. I don't know where or when or what or who, but it is out there. Have faith, and if you can't, I will have faith for you because I'm depending on something being out there for me. I'll have faith for both of us when that load is too much for you to carry.

    You are in my prayers, Dan. Wishing you deep breaths today and a little peace that keeps growing.

    Love Deb

  6. Thank you all for being there, and for your advice and words of encouragement. I'm stealing some time away at work, and writing this quickly. I am struggling so much right now, and feeling the weight of all the kids' problems as well. I'm meeting with my therapist in 30 minutes, my daugther's at 4pm, and those of my son on Thursday afternoon. What I want to tell them all is the "I quit." I don't know if I will really say this, but I feel like nothing feeds my soul. Everything else is just a drain.

    All I can do is promise not be do anything drastic. I hate being responsible.