gloom n doom
Originally uploaded by sporadicity
I sometimes check myself as I sit to write, not wanting to get too caught up in the doom and gloom of widow(er)hood. But in all honesty, it certainly does happen.
Today was a very difficult day to get through. I find it the case, that when I have a significant anniversary of...anything related to Michael, I can get through the actual day fairly well. It's the day after that finds me with my guard down, fully exposed to the pain.
I tried my best to focus on my work today at the office. I had so much that needed to get done, and thought it would actually help me through this emotional tidal wave. And on the scale that my grief can take me, I do think I fared better than how things could have gone. That said, it was still a very tough day to survive.
By lunch time I found that the dam I had built up as a way to keep the water works to a minimum, was about to give way to all the pressure. I recognized that I needed time to just cry, and to breathe some fresh air. I decided I would take a walk to get something to eat, and the sun had actually broken through what had started as a cool and wet morning. As I started my climb up the street, I realized that I was feeling so alone. At first I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was the lack of Michael's presence, or the lack of any one's presence. It's quite the challenge to get through each day, especially knowing that the day always ends with me alone in our bedroom. When I wind things down at night, and the kids are all settled into their rooms, I experience the raw reality that Michael is really gone. There is no escape from this.
I get that today would be quite the challenge, as yesterday was our anniversary. But it is because of what I was feeling, and the reality that I was walking around by myself once again, that I began to understand how completely alone I am. During these past two years of Michael's illness, and especially this last year, we were surrounded by so many people. During his last few months there was always someone wanting to come by for a visit. These days, aside from the kids, I don't see anyone outside of the work environment. I am completely alone. Today, this hit me like a ton of bricks.
In my weekly therapy I have been talking about feeling stuck, and feeling so lonely. At the same time, I don't seem to have the inner resources to reach out to anyone. I also don't quite know where exactly to reach out to. Somehow, I have completely isolated myself. Today as I was walking, the tears just kept pouring out. I began to wish it would all come to an end. What do I mean by this? I'm not proud to admit this, but I was really feeling like death would be a better option. At least in death I could be with Michael. In death I wouldn't have to feel these intense, and painful, feelings. In death I wouldn't have to go about each day, fulfilling all the responsibilities that now seem so trivial.
Now about now I'm sure all of my readers are waiting for me to say that I wasn't seriously contemplating suicide. I am also having to fight off the urge to quickly write a disclaimer, or to just hit the delete key. The reality is, that today's feelings are by far not the first time I have felt this way. During these past 7 months I have at times felt that all this suffering is just not worth it. Life just seems to have stacked up the cards against me. I look around me, and I fail to see anyone who is having to live through this same reality. None of my friends, or colleagues, are having to live through this type of pain. All of them go home to their spouses everyday. All of them are living the life that we all expected to have. I know that their lives are not perfect, and that they have their challenges, but really, do their challenges even come close to mine?
So now I will shift gears, and start peddling back to safety. Would I ever do anything to really hurt myself? I don't think so. Would I give a shit if a piano should fall from above and land on my head? Probably not. But I wouldn't be truly speaking in real time if I didn't come clean about these feelings. You know, I'm one of those people who presents very well. People often look at me and say, "you look so good," or "you seem to be handling this very well." The reality is, I am not. I am not fully myself. I am barely getting through each day. If you ask me how I am doing, I am likely to say I am doing fine. I'm starting to not see the value in speaking the truth. What happens if I tell you the truth? Is there anything you can do? Is there anything you would want to do? I'm nobodies responsibility. I was somebodies, but he's gone.
I know that by tomorrow morning I will be thinking, what the hell was I thinking posting such thoughts. I will regret that I put this out there. I am already beginning to worry, but I'm not sure what I am worried about. Am I worried about what people will think? Or, am I worried that it will not even matter. Who knows. Not me.