Monday, April 19, 2010
Originally uploaded by alison d'bird
I am coming to the end of my day off. I did work this morning, but was free the rest of the afternoon, and had quite a mellow time at home tonight.
Today I was reminded of how so many people are experiencing difficult times. Not in the financial way, which we are all aware of, but emotionally. More and more I am able to recognize the pain and sorrow in a person's face, or in their physical presence. I'm not always in the know as to what their particular burden is, but I can see their pain. When I come across someone like this, I am so moved to reach out, especially if it is someone that I know. Yet, I don't always know if the person wants to be approached, or asked if they need to talk.
I know that for me, I often walk around with my armor up. It is what gets me through the day, but it is not always effective. Sometimes our vulnerability permeates all of our efforts to be strong, and quickly comes to the surface. I know that for many people, this can be very scary. It can cause us to feel out of control. Today I saw a glimpse of this in someone I know, and it now has me concerned. Up till now I haven't felt like I was emotionally well enough to reach out to help someone, as far as being a support, but I'm thinking that I should. Perhaps this person recognizes something in my loss that would enable him to open up. I suppose that one of the benefits to having gone through such a public loss, like the death of a spouse, is that others begin to watch you to see how you manage getting through each day. Perhaps my silver lining will be that someone will feel safe approaching me, knowing that I might feel sympathetic to their situation.
I think this is something for me to meditate about.
My other thought tonight has been about having little interest in life right now. Today while I was at home, doing pretty much nothing, I thought about how much time I waste. I still, after 7 months, sit around, staring straight in front of me, feeling numb and disinterested. I tried to get interested in some reading, but it didn't hold my attention. I tried watching a couple of movies on the television, but they both seemed so pointless. Then I did my usual surfing of the net, spending hours looking at nothing, or what I would consider junk.
Most of the time I tell myself, hey it's okay to do nothing. But the problem is, I do nothing quite a bit of the time. And it's not that I don't have options. I just don't see the benefit in putting out much effort these days. What I am trying to describe here is not about not getting enough done in the day. I am keeping up with most of my at home responsibilities. But there are a lot of small detail things that are really piling up. Things like mail to be opened, bills to be paid, phone calls to return, that I never get to. Everything seems sort of pointless.
I don't feel like I am being the best parent right now. I don't feel like I am being a very good son, friend, or brother. I'm kind of lost. Or maybe I'm not so much lost, more like I have lost a significant part of me. I don't really like who I am today. I am indifferent. I am withdrawn. I am lazy. I am sad. I am depressed. I don't really have anything to talk about. There is nothing new in my life, and I don't even want anything new to talk about.
I sometimes feel like I would like to fast forward my life, and to just get it over with. I know this sounds terrible, and I don't mean to sound so negative, or fatalistic. I just don't expect to be all that happy in the future, so I'm not too interested in what lies ahead for me.
In some ways, I feel like an emotional drifter. Someone who is an emotional vagabond, an itinerant person. A person who moves aimlessly from place to place, someone who leads a wandering unsettled life. Only, I'm not going anywhere. I just feel untethered.