Thursday, April 15, 2010

Love and Satisfaction

A diamond inside of LOVE ...
Originally uploaded by
Dragan Fly

Tonight I am feeling the love.

Having Michael in my life was truly a blessing. At a time when I was least expecting someone, there he was. Knowing Michael after all we have been through, I know that he went out on a limb when he approached my the night we met. Michael is a bit of a shy guy, yet he took a chance on me. I'm not quite sure why. I'm not sure what he saw when he fixed his gaze on me in the bar that night. But, I'm sure glad he did.

What we experienced together was significant. We went through so much as a couple, and so much as parents. He learned pretty quickly the ins and outs of parenthood, and gave me so much support when I really needed it. I feel so honored to have been chosen to spend the rest of his life with him.

When I look back on our relationship, I feel as though we were together much longer than the years would suggest. Perhaps it is because we went through so much during that time. We moved through our courtship, to our commitment, to sickness, to marriage, and then followed his journey to death. In thinking about all that we experienced, it makes me realize that we had a very condensed relationship, meaning that we went through all the phases of a long term relationship, but in a short period of time.

When I look back at the past few years, I feel so proud that we made it through, and maintained our love and happiness. It's a very unique experience to be given a death sentence very early into a relationship. It causes you to immediately pause, and take a good look at what you have, and what you want to accomplish. I am grateful that the doctors were very candid with us about Michael's prognosis. While it was very difficult to accept, it allowed us to make a choice to fully embrace the love we shared, and to make each day count.

In looking back on the final months of Michael's life, I can't help but feel an immense sense of love, and satisfaction. I was very careful to keep a sense of joy between us, and to take each step of his deterioration as an opportunity to show him how much I loved him. When I think about how difficult, and painful, it has been in the months following his death, I realize that it is so because I was careful to not grieve losing him until he was gone. I wanted him to experience our love in each moment. He didn't need to see me grieve. He needed to see my unconditional love, and to feel safe and secure.

What Michael gave me in his last days was his complete trust, and I was so honored to be the one to care for him. As I sit here in our bedroom, I feel so blessed to have said goodbye to him right here. This is where we shared our intimate moments. This is where we laid so lovingly next to each other night after night. This is where we exchanged our words of love. And, this is where I will always feel a sense of peace.


  1. What struck me was you saying you didn't grieve while he was still alive. I think when someone gets a "death sentence" their mate can hardly help but start some sort of grieving process and I am so glad you didn't so that Michael's last weeks were still filled with hope and love.

  2. I can feel your serenity and peace. I hope it lasts for a long time. Wrapping ourselves in the loving memories can be so comforting to our souls. I hope you have a peaceful weekend.

  3. I wanted him to experience our love in each moment. He didn't need to see me grieve. He needed to see my unconditional love, and to feel safe and secure.

    Once again, this is a post that struck such a familiar chord with me. As Don became increasingly debilitated, it was difficult to remain encouraging and upbeat in the face of it all, but it seemed so important not to dwell on sadness during that time. In this way, he (and we) were able to enjoy our time together. I don't think I ever cried in front of Don during his waking hours, but would wait until he slept to cry for a brief while as my heart broke just a little more at the end of each day. At the hospital, even though each appointment became increasingly grim, I did not allow anything to find an open chink in my armor. Looking back on this time, it seems important that we went through it all together without Don having to worry about me -- that he could just "live" and have the best of our time together without having to be concerned by my sadness. He wanted very much for me to carry on and "be okay" and that's what I tried to show him I could do during our final days together.
    The only regret I have is that he did not get to die in the peace and safety of our home. In retrospect, I realize that we did what seemed right at the time, but unfortunately it all proved to be sort of like a trick ending that spun out of control. I envy you somewhat that you were able to fill Michael's final days with such peace and love. I'm quite sure it must provide a great deal of meaning and comfort to you now. Those are feelings that are well worth cherishing.