Friday, October 1, 2010
I’m struggling with expectations. Expectations of myself. Expectations of my kids. Expectations of life in general.
The shit seems to be hitting the fan. I struggle to find some kind of relief from a reality that is very complicated. It’s not like I am looking for some easy answers, or some easy solutions, but would it kill the universe to throw me a bone once in awhile?
It’s funny how easily I can make my life appear to be better than it is. I am either the master of illusion, or the master of denial. This is further complicated by others wanting to believe that life is going my way. Here’s the picture. Dan decided to make a change. How brave. Dan was able to effect a major change, moving his family from San Francisco to San Diego. Dan landed on his feet. Dan decided it was time to look for a job, and quite quickly, Dan found a job. How great is that? Dan has such challenging kids, yet he meets all the demands with such dedication and love. What?
Why is it that my life can look so good to everyone around me? Why is it that my life offers so many people such inspiration?
The truth is that I have all but given up on expecting anything good, or lasting, in life. I have learned to modify my expectations, and to accept the mere morsels that life is willing to throw my way. Life begins to look much better when you have lowered your expectations.
People often talk about not settling when talking about their quest for true love. But what about life in general?
Is it better to lower your expectations so that you can feel like you have been met with some success or happiness? And if you keep lowering your expectations, do you wake up one day to realize that your life is truly shit? Maybe you never realize this, because you have been so good at fooling yourself, and no longer realize that you have settle for a life less extraordinary, or a life less than completely happy.
Do you get the feeling that I am in a bit of a slump? Sometimes I just wake up and realize that I am less than thrilled about life. Sometimes I come through my front door after a day at work, and think to myself, “Fuck, it’s just the same shit again.” I can only kid myself for so long, and then I have to stare straight ahead and see the reality that is my life.
So what exactly am I saying? What do I want from life? What can I reasonably expect from life?
I previously started answering these questions. I tried to find answers in my written responses. Then I read them over again, and thought it was all bull shit, so I deleted all of it. I don't think I am really interested in the answers right now. I am only invested in the questions.
What are my expectations?
What can I really expect from life?