It always seems to happen. I express my dismay with life, and life finally gets it's ass in gear and starts moving in a different direction.
There was nothing particularly different about today. The sun came up, and...
I guess that's it. The sun came up, and it was a new day. There is nothing miraculous about change. It just happens.
Yesterday when I came home from work, I found all three kids laying around watching television, and not a damn thing done around the house. Both boys had a difficult week at school, and both gave me a difficult time at home as well. My daughter hasn't been over as much lately, but I have been frustrated by the fact that she has not yet found a job. Not the end of the world type of concerns, but they were just the tip of the iceberg for me. I went up to my room and cried. It all just seemed too much for me. Life was requiring more than I had, and I was tired of trying. Eventually I came down and had an impromptu meeting with the kids. I explained that I needed more from each of them. I let them know that I knew they were trying, but from where I stood, not hard enough. I told them that they seem to be taking too much for granted with me, and that I was not as strong as they thought. I think they were each in a bit of shock to see me in tears, and gasping for air here and there.
Some how the holy spirit moved into the house last night, and kicked some serious ass. These kids woke up looking and acting more like Stepford children. But I'm not complaining. I then went about my business, running errands throughout the day. At each venture I didn't take shit from anyone. Perhaps I was able to use that chip on my shoulder to let each person know that I deserved to be treated well. And as people will do, most of them were very nice.
I ended this evening making a meal that Michael would be proud of. The boys were quick to say how good I have become at cooking. They were so used to Michael being the better cook. He was always making something that he and I loved, but that was perhaps a bit out of the kids' comfort zone. In time they learned to enjoy his cooking, and their compliments tonight felt like I was sharing them with Michael.
Good to read that yesterday went better. Good days, bad days. That's what it all seems to be about. Btw, this line made me laugh:
ReplyDeleteAt each venture I didn't take shit from anyone.
I used to be so easy-going and put up with so much crap from people. Not any more. I don't know what happened, but I guess my crap-o-meter gauge must have busted and now it goes off at the slightest sign of someone giving me the run-around. I suppose that's one thing I can say has improved in my life. (-:
Lately I feel like my previous sweet disposition has taken a back seat to my newfound ornery self. I don't know if it is directly from being widowed, or if it is just a sign of my getting older. Either way it tends to work to my advantage, as it spurs me forward.
ReplyDeleteHope your new travel is starting out well.
I'd say, for me, my formerly patient disposition has been replaced with the utterly avoidant tendencies I used to over-ride previously. What I mean is - I tend to not do anything, with anyone, anymore, because I am impatient and highly intolerant.
ReplyDeleteAnd, sunglasses. All the time. Because I cry everywhere.