Saturday, October 23, 2010

Transformation

23. September 2010 - Fullmoon - Beginning of Autumn

I got up today feeling like I need to start making concrete changes to how I am approaching life. I need to signal a change for myself, and to others. As I looked into the mirror, I focused on the cremation urn locket that hangs around my neck.

Yes, I wear Michael's ashes all the time. I stood there looking at my reflection, and thought, does this tell others that I am ready to move forward? If I meet a nice guy, an eligible guy, and he asks about my jewelry, what does my response tell him? Am I emotionally available to someone new? Is there a barrier to someone new if I am wearing my dead husband's ashes around my neck?

Then, glancing down at my left arm, I admired the now completed half-sleeve tattoo. It is beautiful, and I love it very much. For anyone local, it was completed by Keith Nichols of Adapt Studio in Hillcrest. He's a great guy, and we had some great conversations during the multiple appointments, and many hours it took to complete this piece. My arm, as many parts of my body, is filled with inked images of where I have been, and where I find myself today. Much of the imagery involves the journey I was on with Michael, and my continued journey on my own. It speaks to the significance of my past without belaboring it. It made me realize that I no longer need to be wearing Michael's ashes, or sporting a wedding ring, as that part of my life is quite integrated into who I am today. I took off the necklace, and temporarily placed in with our wedding rings next to the urn. I decided that when I make this next move to a permanent home I will not set up the alter that I have here, or had in San Francisco. Michael's urn will be one piece in a number of art pieces that I will display, sparsely in the new space.

It is time to take a large step forward, and trust that I am ready to move forward without these things that held me together during this past year. I also plan on replacing all of my furniture once I move into a new home. I want a very clear beginning. I want to signal to everyone that visits, that my life is now different. There is a definite difference in who I am, and how I experience life these days. I want that reflected in how I live, which is why I am really focusing on buying a home that speaks to the newer, more modern aesthetics that I am attracted to. I don't want anything to look, or feel, like my home in San Francisco. I loved that home, but that home, and that life, is over.

As you can see, when I make a change, I really make a change. Not everyone is comfortable with my changes, which is understandable, as they haven't gone through some of the challenges that I have been forced to experience. Yet, I hope that in time they will come to see me for who I am today. Yes, I'm still me, with my same outlook and values, but definitely expressed differently.

I like who I am becoming. I like the life I am creating, and I like what appears to be on the horizon for me.

4 comments:

  1. Dan,

    I haven't written in a while, but your writing today is so timely. My Steve died 7 months ago. I can relate so much and I too am about to move from my house in Plymouth to a new place in Boston. Each day I come home I feel this is where Steve and I had our life. I don't want to lose what he means to me, but I can't keep living my life feeling sad and for lack of a better word, "haunted" by him each day. I never thought I would say these words because they just seem harsh, but I "need to move on with my life." I used to hate those words but I think maybe for both of us a fresh renewal may be good. I hope to stay connected with you, as it feels good to know there is someone else who really knows what I am going through.

    I'm so glad I saw your message today. It makes me feel like I am doing the right thing too.

    :)
    Bill

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  2. Nice to hear from you again Bill. I'm glad to hear that you are trusting your instinct, and making a move yourself. It's not the direction for everyone, but it was the correct one for me. I hope your move goes smoothly.

    As for harsh expressions? Well, as we both know, life is harsh. Now we live within a world where all is seen in those ways. I too want, or need, to live a life with the possibility of less sadness, and more happiness.

    It is a work in progress. So am I.

    Please stay in touch.

    Dan

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