Sunday, October 24, 2010

Polygamy Anyone?


I was just corresponding to another gay widower who came my way through my blog. In our shared email we were discussing the potential for future love, and how we both feel that any new person would need to have a place in their heart for our deceased spouses, as we truly became one through our relationship and marriage.

To love me today, it to love Michael as well. I am not the same person that I was when I first met Michael. Through the course of our relationship I needed to bend and reshape myself in light of who he was, and what we were experiencing. He had to do the same. It was inevitable, as to remain strictly the people who we presented to eachother that night of meeting at the bar, would mean we didn't grow with eachother. And, how can you get through the trials and tribulations of a marriage, expecially one where you are facing issues of mortality, without such change.

Now, you factor in not only the life changes that occurred when Michael was alive, but also the cost of dealing with his death, and thus, I am transformed. Yes, changed. It would not serve me well to try to introduce myself to someone new as the person I used to be, or thought I used to be. Rather, I would want him to love all aspects of me, and to be willing to be present to the depths of my grief as well.

So, in my humorous way, this all got me thinking about polygamy. When people ask if I am married, I usually say yes, but my husband died. He never stopped being my husband, and I will always think of him in those terms. I also have his ashes sitting in my bedroom, and it is my plan that when I die, that I be cremated, and our ashes be combined. What my kids do with them is not so important to me. Michael and I can sit and gather more dust on a shelf, we can take up residence in a local mausoleum, or be scattered wherever they wish. The point here is that we will forever be joined, as that is how we were through our marriage.

Enter stage left, a potential new boyfriend or husband. He would need to understand, and be comfortable, with this. As far as I'm concerned, we could easily become a threesome, and spend our eternity as one big mound of ash. Why not? The more the merrier. Michael was always intrigued with the idea of a three-way anyway. This way he would finally have his fantasy come true! Okay, maybe my fantasy.

Hi. My name is Dan, and I'm a potential polygamist.


  1. Dan - I swear you always make me laugh in a twisted way only the widowed could find comical ;) Love and peace for you on the rest of your journey friend. xo

  2. I've made jokes about my ashes as well. Having been widowed twice, and hoping to marry or find someone again, I've told my daughter that she will have to split my ashes into 3. She rolled her eyes and I came back with: "put on my headstone, She Knew How To Love"
    You'll be a polygamist and I will be sleeping around!

  3. I remember "ashes issues." Long story. Too personal for the cyberworld. I finally told Brent in the spiritual world that i would be okay with it, hoping his ashes were resting on top of those of some hot chick for eternity...

  4. LOL. A threesome.

    My husband's late wife's ashes are in our storage room downstairs. He was supposed to scatter ashes in several specific places and he found a few more and now doesn't know what to do with the rest.

    "There's a lot more than you think there would be,"he says.

    In a relationship where former spouses have died, there is a surprising amount of overlap. In our relationship, there are four of us - so to speak - and it's not odd, weird or even all that difficult. It works out. Love has that way about it.