Wednesday, October 13, 2010

What A Nice Spread

Pitiful Me goal update.

Well, it's only been two days, but I am seriously trying to use these once humorous goals, and make them my new reality. Why not accomplish these goals? I can only come out a few steps ahead, even if they don't all pan out right. So time to make another update.

Day Two: another goal on the list accomplished! Which one is it? Believe it or not, I kind of had the opportunity to accomplish two of the listed goals today, but decided it was only Wednesday, why rush it. The week is still early, and I have the weekend coming up. It will be a perfect time to get out there and scratch off another goal or two off the list.

Today I received the news that my home loan application was completed. The loan officer sent me a spread sheet which indicated my buying power, and gave me various options to consider in buying either a Townhouse or a Single Family Residence. She sent it to me via email, and shared a side remark about how much she loves spread sheets.

This put a big smile on my face. No one could possibly love a good spread sheet more than Michael. He was a budget analyst for Marin County, and his mind worked in ways mine cannot even imagine, or always appreciate. Whenever we were planning some kind of project at home, there was Michael creating another spread sheet on Excel. He would love to explain every detail to me, and I would just smile, and pretend to understand it all.

I had not seen a spread sheet like this since Michael died. It's funny what it is that brings us a connection to our late spouses. Every once in awhile something like this spread sheet will come my way, and really touch part of my core that is so carefully guarded. When this happens, I never quite know which way my emotional response will be. What a nice surprise that it brought me joy.

I'm learning that part of my process of getting through this loss, is to be open to joy. I need to allow small things such as this bring back some of the lost, or forgotten, joy that used to be a part of my life. I need to welcome these opportunities openly. I think that each of these moments create another crack in this hard protective shell that I have developed during this past year.

And believe me, I'm a hard nut to crack. But a nut none the less.


  1. As time passes it's so good to discover that we smile, even laugh at memories, rather than only sob.

    I have no explanation for why one memory, sight, sound or smell can bring a smile ... and another tears and pain ... it just is.

    But you know what, we've come a long way.

    Biggest hug and love

  2. You know full well I enjoyed this picture ;)
    So glad to hear it brought you joy.
    I found some love letters from Eddie the other day and I hesitated to read them, but forced myself to look. I too was surprised by my reaction. They made me smile and made me grateful to have had his love. Stepping foward is a beautiful thing. I'm sure they'll be some more stepping backwards in my future, but at least I'm finally stepping foward and it sounds like you are too.

    Love, Donna

  3. I'm not usually one of the competitive kind.
    I still think I have an edge on the pitiful-factor.

    We're both grieving.
    We both parent hormonal teenagers.

    Why do I think I have the edge? Breastfeeding a growth-spurting lil' girl is making my nipples sore.

    Beat that! :-)

    Just kidding... I hope there are many spread sheets in your future that will bring a smile to your face.

    Happy house-hunting!

  4. Well, if your'e going to pull the nipple card I guess you are right. You got me beat you miserable pitiful you!

    I'm really enjoying the mileage I am getting out of this pity party we all really need to be a part of. Thanks for making me feel a bit less pitiful than I did before reading your comment.


  5. jeff was a spreadsheet guy too. and i was always all, huh? okay, honey. looks good.