Wednesday, October 13, 2010
What A Nice Spread
Pitiful Me goal update.
Well, it's only been two days, but I am seriously trying to use these once humorous goals, and make them my new reality. Why not accomplish these goals? I can only come out a few steps ahead, even if they don't all pan out right. So time to make another update.
Day Two: another goal on the list accomplished! Which one is it? Believe it or not, I kind of had the opportunity to accomplish two of the listed goals today, but decided it was only Wednesday, why rush it. The week is still early, and I have the weekend coming up. It will be a perfect time to get out there and scratch off another goal or two off the list.
Today I received the news that my home loan application was completed. The loan officer sent me a spread sheet which indicated my buying power, and gave me various options to consider in buying either a Townhouse or a Single Family Residence. She sent it to me via email, and shared a side remark about how much she loves spread sheets.
This put a big smile on my face. No one could possibly love a good spread sheet more than Michael. He was a budget analyst for Marin County, and his mind worked in ways mine cannot even imagine, or always appreciate. Whenever we were planning some kind of project at home, there was Michael creating another spread sheet on Excel. He would love to explain every detail to me, and I would just smile, and pretend to understand it all.
I had not seen a spread sheet like this since Michael died. It's funny what it is that brings us a connection to our late spouses. Every once in awhile something like this spread sheet will come my way, and really touch part of my core that is so carefully guarded. When this happens, I never quite know which way my emotional response will be. What a nice surprise that it brought me joy.
I'm learning that part of my process of getting through this loss, is to be open to joy. I need to allow small things such as this bring back some of the lost, or forgotten, joy that used to be a part of my life. I need to welcome these opportunities openly. I think that each of these moments create another crack in this hard protective shell that I have developed during this past year.
And believe me, I'm a hard nut to crack. But a nut none the less.