Thursday, October 28, 2010

real time confession

Confession on Good Friday

I was driving home from work tonight and thinking this...

Life seems to be going my way right now. The kids are all doing well once again. The job is good. And, I am buying a house that I absolutely love.

I am getting much kudos for all the efforts I am making, and successful efforts at that, in keeping my life moving forward.

What's real?

I am still terribly sad. When alone, my affect goes back to being quite flat. I am good at knowing what needs to be done. I can identify what I need to be doing in order to achieve my goals. I can present to the world that I am very capable, and dealing with my various obstacles responsibly, if not successfully.

What is my reality?

I'm going through the motions. Since I can't seem to be happier, then I will set up my life to at least look happier. It's all a facade. Currently, there is nobody here in my life that would really see through this. There is also nobody here that I would turn to, to do discuss this. I have yet to find any one specific person that I can say will be a confidant. Those type of relationships don't just happen easily.

Dan, in real time?

Not quite as far along as I would like.

Not quite as far along as I present.

Is this real enough?

3 comments:

  1. I know it's not the same as having someone sitting in the same room, but I'm typically up when you are, and any time you want to send me an email or message, I'm here.

    I just got off the phone with Deb, and it's so nice to just be able to connect once in a while at least by phone and be 'real'. We do put on a 'brave face' so much of the time, it's nice to take off the mask once in a while . . . .

    Now - hopefully this comment won't get 'lost in cyberspace' like half mine do. I actually comment on your blog quite regularly, but half the time they vanish . . . .

    ~C~

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  2. happiness is nothing if you can't share it ...

    for me, happiness is fleeting. I get it, but it runs through my fingers like water, but at least I get it.

    Is this another sign that we are ready to embark on a new adventure?

    I love you, and as C said, I am here too (my phone number is on Facebook if you need to talk ever too)

    xx

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  3. all these outward shows of "progress," or whatever the outside world would like to call it - we know differently. Making any motion, in any vaguely constructive direction is slightly better than doing absolutely nothing at all, but that doesn't mean the meter ever perceptibly lifts from Grand Suckage. I hate that it sounds all eeyore to say so. But to say otherwise, at this point, would be a lie. My biggest attempts are simply gestures in the direction of goodness.
    I read what you're doing, and saying, and know you are simply doing what you can to build yourself an infrastructure. Rocks in the bottom of the well, as it were.
    And, I hear you on the confidant, as well. Relatedness, being home with someone - it takes awhile, and it can't be just anyone. So many people here (from Before) offer to be that person for me, but it can't just be offered like that, it has to grow, and be right. That is the big grand suckage of widowhood - you need to go home, to be with the one who knows you, and the reason you need it makes it impossible. Especially after having been independent for so long, to have your team, then have your team go all invisible - makes it all the more difficult. I hear you my friend.

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