Thursday, October 21, 2010

Where the Hell Am I?

I don't know where am I..

Okay, so I haven't completely lost my mind. I know where I am. I'm in San Diego. Right?

What I'm trying to figure out is, where am I in my grieving process, and where am I in my blogging process. Last year I made a self-commitment to chronicle my grief on a daily basis. This was much more difficult, and time consuming than I ever really anticipated, but well worth the effort. I officially started by blog on our first wedding anniversary, October 19, 2009, but didn't start writing daily until a couple of weeks later on October 31, 2009. And though I haven't yet reached that one year of posting date, I have counted 394 posts thus far. 395 counting today.

I have had this plan in the back of my mind that I would start easing off on my posting efforts, as they do tend to drive my day. And even though I considered breaking my non-stop posting streak tonight, after careful thought, I have chosen to stick it out until October 31st. People have sometimes asked me who I am writing for. Me? Them? You? Us? All I know is that it has given me a sense of purpose, and has kept me going when I felt like giving up. But I do feel that it is time to change how I am expending my energies.

I believe I need to start spending more time and energy living, trying new things out, and less time focused on my grief. Now the reality is that they will always be intertwined, but I need to start giving myself some breathing room. I need to start reading trashy novels again. I need to start going out at night without the worry that I need to make it back in time to write. And, I need to return to some of my other writing projects that have been put to the side.

Where am I? I'm in a better place, that's where I am. Isn't that an odd thing to say? "In a better place?" Don't you just hate it when someone says to you, "I'm sorry for your loss, but at least he's in a better place?" I usually smile, forgive their misguided words, and think to myself, the fuck he is.

I don't know if I will always feel like I am in a better place, and of course it would only be in reference to where I have been during this past year of grieving, but today, I am in a better place. The deep pain comes, and yet it goes. The pain is familiar, and all daily emotions are quite familiar. I kind of know what to expect at this point. And yes, I can still be thrown off by unanticipated levels of grief, but for the most part I do know where I am.

What I am curious about though, is where I am going. I would like to think that I am headed for better things, but so far life hasn't gone that way for me. I'm trying to maintain my optimism, if I ever really had it, and make room for the possibility of...whatever.

So, for me, step one is this; to make room. I need to clear my schedule, and begin doing other things. I need to make room for something different. So if I don't stick with my goal of daily posting for another couple of weeks, then you can assume I have moved on to step one already. Oh, I'll never be gone too long, or off too far, just far enough so that I begin to collect answers to my question.

Where the hell am I?


  1. At times I have felt as though I am too attached to my blog, as well as other people's, as well as Facebook, and can actually remember entire weekends being transfixed by my laptop. I guess at the time I needed it ... but I have this overwhelming need to move on from my IT addiction now because I know it's holding me back some.

    I guess you are feeling this too ... because you are expressing a desire to do other stuff: reading etc.

    You must do whatever works for you Dan.

    I love you my friend

  2. When I did my nature blog, I wrote daily, but it was first thing in the morning, sitting on the bed before beginning my day. That was okay as it never felt like it held me back from the daily stuff. The blog I do now is written when I have time and feel inclined. I think you're wise to consider how much of your time and energy it takes to try to post on a daily basis. I agree and encourage you to free up time for yourself and get out there to live. We get so much by just "doing". Last night, I spent the evening sitting by the campfire of a woman camper who is a teacher on a one year leave, wandering across the continent to restore herself from years of teacher burn-out. How nice to be out here where those kinds of unexpected things can happen. We have to make room for new experiences in our worlds.

  3. Hi everyone. I truly appreciate hearing everyone's perspective about making room for new things to develop, especially because some of you are further along this journey than I am.

    I have always told my kids that too much of anything is not good. For me, the computer, and all the connections it offers me has really been a lifesaver, yet it is time to recognize that I depend on it far too much. This awareness alone tells me that I am ready for more.


  4. I completely get it and support you in making this big decision. I now find that when I spend too much time at the computer (reading or writing blogs, Facebook etc.), it totally drains me of valuable time I'm not spending living my life. I'm emerging a little back into the real world too and moving a little away from the cyber world. It feels right, so it must be. I find it so interesting how so many of us continue to be experiencing things along the same time line. I guess it shows that though this journey is unique to all of us, we are all on a similar road. Have a great weekend Dan! I'm aiming for at least a good one!