Monday, October 11, 2010

Poor Poor Pitiful Me.

givuf the light, and i shall cast dark judgment and self pity aside (self portrait)

It's official. I have the most pitiful life.


This is not one of those posts where I go on and on about just sitting, and not getting anything done. I actually accomplished quite a bit today. It was my day off, as we were supposed to be celebrating Columbus Day, what a joke. I don't mean to offend anyone, but really, if I show up at your home and take it over, will you name a holiday after me as well? Discovery, my ass.

No, my pitifulness is nothing earth shaking, and not even a new revelation. It's just that I am getting pretty darn tired of seeing myself mope around here in my home, or in this world for that matter.

My god, I waste so much time staring into this computer. It's really sad. It's like I have suspended time, and just sit here observing the real world from a short distance. I don't feel like I am participating much. I have really kind of lost my connection to my immediate world. I haven't been to yoga in a week. Now I have some really good excuses, namely that my older son was having so many problems lately that I couldn't really leave the house, or my younger son, unattended. That said, there was no excuse for not getting my tired, and increasingly sagging, ass to the gym.

I tell you what, there is always the flip side of things. You know, that silver lining crap. Well, the ones enjoying this current lining are my animals. They are just in hog heaven having me around to boss around, and to receive endless amounts of affection. It is so pitiful, I have slept the past few nights with all three of them, Ranger, Fido and Carelli, all on top of my bed. There is barely room for me!

Let me tell you, not to long ago I was the last person you would expect to see around any animals. I'm not really that nature, cuddly, kind of guy. It wasn't until Michael got sick, and his aunt Nancy died, that I brought home this big fat cat, Carelli, to join our happy household. And I'm allergic to cats. See how out of sync I am? Once Carelli arrived, I decided we needed to allow for the dog my daughter had wanted, so there we were, a happy couple, well, happy with cancer in our lives, three kids and two animals. Whew, what a change of lifestyle.

You all know the story of Fido, how he conned me into bringing him into this house, and into my damn heart. What the hell is wrong with me. I should be bringing a man into my bed, not another dog! Have I become a cat lady? Is there an equivalent, being a guy, and having dogs and cats? It's really scary. Next thing you know I will be buying all kinds of cutesy, kitsch shit with animals on them, and place them all around the house. Maybe I'll also become a hoarder, and just disappear into the house all together.

As I was driving around today, getting all this home loan shit done, I was thinking this, I have no life! I'm not even motivated to really care much. Did you know that I have two flat screen televisions with DVR's, fully loaded with all cable channels, and they rarely get turned on? Hell, I rarely get turned on these days.

Somethings got to give. I can't keep going on like this. It's definitely time to make a commitment to start partaking in life again. Maybe somebody who is reading this will run into me somewhere, grab a hold of me, shake me, and shout, "get on with your life!" I am seriously worried that this grief thing has so weighed me down, that I don't even realize that I haven't been up for air in some time.

Maybe drastic times call for drastic measures. I think I should set some new goals this week.

1. Go out and get drunk.
2. Get laid for gosh sake!
3. Can you at least make one damn friend?
4. Hit the gym.
5. See if you can find your way back to the yoga studio.

Well, it's a start. If you have been observing my pitiful life, and have found yourself thinking that it's time for me to make a move, then let me have it. This is your chance. Don't hold back. Throw out ideas. Shout out the epitaphs you were preparing in the event of my demise. I can take it. The time is now. Strike while the iron is hot.

Yeah, all of that!


  1. maybe not your intended response, but you made me laugh before I even had tea, with the imagined image of your expression, should someone walk up to you and start shaking you.

    And to channel my version of bev, who may or may not be within the internet's spell currently, you will take small steps when you are ready to take small steps. None of this all or nothing stuff (I will do all 4 things on my list right now or else I am a total idiot)- it is not kind, and it is (maybe more importantly) not going to be effective. Break it down to something smaller and accomplishable, a few actions in the service of one of these larger things. Go sit outside yoga, or even just commit to finding your yoga pants within the next day. Look up the hours of the gym. (note that I am also talking to myself here, ahem)
    It is a wee ridiculous trying to conjure interest where none exists, and futility reigns supreme. I'm still trying to go with "do whatever doesn't suck" as my governing mantra.


  2. on the same page as you Dan, esp with the vodka and getting laid. God yes.

    I completely identify with feeling pathetic ... like my life stopped 21 months ago and I got surgically attached to my iPhone and my feckin laptop and live through that ... only coming alive every couple of weeks for 24 hours when I visit someone.

    It's got to stop. I'm sick of myself.

    You go (and keep me updated via personal message on FB ... LMAO ... and I will reciprocate)

    I love you

  3. I've used the same title for one of my older posts too. Did laugh a lot reading this while drinking my tea and trying to get a bit caught up with fellow bloggers. The funniest part of your post was the mention about starting a collection of ceramic figurines or some such crap! I can see you off to one of those terrible flea markets where they sell bags of socks for five bucks looking to add to your collection. I know humor aside, there is always a deeper truth into what we are writing about. My goal isn't even as lofty as having sex - I'd settle for a drink of wine or coffee date with someone... That is my goal - just to go out on a date with someone! Now if I can just find someone... As for my pitiful goal for the week - to try and keep the dishes from piling up in the sink so I don't have to waste an hour washing them when we don't have any clean plates or flatware left!

    I think it is good for all of us when we become sick of ourselves so to speak and start to venture out from within, which maybe is what you're experiencing now? The thing I've noticed about this is, however, is that I'll come out awhile but then retreat back again. So, it's that one step forward/backward process.

  4. You make me laugh and cry all in the same paragraph. We are in the same place in our lives and though I'm desperate for more I'm not sure how to get it. When you figure it out, please let me know!!! Love you.

  5. Well, I would try to say something uplifting but I'm feeling a little pissed off about my life too. That Peggy Lee song "is that all there is" keeps going through my head...and I HATE that song.
    p.s. what is "getting laid". I'm afraid my memory is getting bad ;). - Rach

  6. Yeah, I agree. Columbus is probably the only terrorist who gets a holiday.

    Thanks for the laughs. I needed it after an evening with the Crazy Sane Family. (See blog.) ;-)

    As for the pitiful part. Taking into account that most of your readers are widowed, you should at least let us all compete for the title of "most pitiful." How dare you just claim it for yourself? ;-)

  7. Well, aren't you all just one big pitiful group of people!

    At least Cadi seems to think so. If you disagree with this, then go complain on her blog.

    All of you have such good responses. I think we need times like this to just stop being so serious about ourselves, and just say it like it is. Life can put us into a state of always saying and doing what is right, or what is expected. Once in a while we need to just break form, and indulge in those unfiltered thoughts.

    So, it's toward the end of day one, and I am no closer to addressing those things on my list! This is going to be harder than I thought!

  8. of course you're closer - you listed them. It counts.

  9. Well, I can't say that I will be able to help you at all Dan. Instead I will have to learn from you. I am still feeling accomplished if a get up in the morning - that's how low my interest in life is.
    Good luck with the list - it is the first step.