Monday, October 4, 2010
In looking for a photo to capture the essence of yesterday's post, I did a search using the word vulnerable. I had a vague idea of what I wanted in a photo, but nothing as clear as I usually search for. What most might not expect, is that I spend the same amount of time searching for the right photo as I do writing each post. Maybe it's because I always have a feeling for what it is I am searching for, but not necessarily something concrete.
I have a great amount of respect for the various photographers that provide their photos for use. I use my account with Flickr, as I never want to use someones work without the photo being linked right back to them.
Yesterday's photo really struck me in a very visceral way. I have found myself going back to my blog throughout the day, and really taking in my response to the photo. I have tried to understand why it is that I am so drawn to the photo. In looking at it again tonight, I see it clearly, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out.
I love the complete vulnerability that comes with nudity. I'm not talking about right in your face pornography, but subtle, and sensual nudity.
I love the human body. And let's speak the obvious, I love the male human body. I am a very visual person, so a picture like this pulls at my deep emotional core. In my life, my sexuality, and my sensuality, are quite entwined. This is not to say that I don't sometimes find myself separating the two, as at times I feel more sensual, and at times I feel more sexual. But for the most part, I enjoy the fact that these two can play off of each other, and that it feels very natural for me.
I truly appreciate how vulnerable it feels to be nude in another person's presence. I enjoy the experience of relating to other people without hiding, or guarding myself with clothing. Being in a relationship provides for this experience, and takes it to a higher plain for me. Being nude with another person allows me to feel fully alive, and fully present. It allows me to expose not just my body, but my vulnerabilities as well.
I sit here remembering the comfort, the love, the intimacy, the vulnerability, the passion, and the humor, that being nude with Michael gave me. There was nothing like it. I miss it greatly. Yes, I miss him, but I must say that I also miss his beautiful body. I miss sharing my body with him. I miss the joy that being nude with him brought into my life.
I yearn for that level of intimacy with someone again. I want so badly to tap into the distinct connection that happens when you are laying there side by side. I miss reaching out to feel his nude body, and to find something so familiar, yet so exhilarating at the same time.
That part of my life cannot be over. That part of being human is central to my experience of life.
I need it. I want it. I seek it.