Friday, July 2, 2010
100 Good Fortune - White Lotuses
Originally uploaded by artwaken
This morning an announcement went out at the office about my impending departure. Some friends already knew about it, but I have been otherwise rather quiet about it. I tend to be kind of unassuming at work. I am friendly, and try to help out my peers, but for the most part would be considered private. So I found myself being asked the same questions over and over again. "Why are you leaving?" Of course some know that I lost my husband this past year, but there are also many more who don't know. To them this probably doesn't make sense. Why would someone who is heading down the homestretch decide to jump ship.
With all the attention, and excitement that filled my day, I had one of those moments where I completely disconnected from the reality that Michael is gone. I had gone to the men's room to wash my hands before lunch, and looked up at myself in the mirror and thought, I can't wait to get home to tell Michael about my day. It was all of just a few seconds, but it cut me like a knife. Rather than continue out to go pick up my lunch, I found my way back to my cubicle, and laid my head on my desk.
On another note, I am making two people very happy tomorrow. In my basement are my prized gym equipment, and an antique stove, I have had for many years. I decided today that rather than sell them, I would feel better about giving them to someone who really wanted them. I know this make little sense to others around me, but it is something I can feel good about. Both of these things meant so much to me over the years, that having to bargain them down with someone felt disgraceful. I'm feeling that way about so many other things around here. I have a whole room full of Michael's clothing. I don't know why I continue to hold onto them when someone could be getting some good use out of them. Having them hanging in my closet, or in every drawer doesn't make Michael more alive for me. I do have a few things that I will keep, and I still wear his pajamas and big t-shirts around the house. In that way I feel comfort, but I can still have that, and give the rest to charity. I know there are many men out there looking for jobs, and many of them would have more confidence if they were wearing some of Michael's nice suits, shirts and ties.
I guess you could say I am in a giving mood. A strange place to be, given that so much was taken from me. But I have to remember not to wallow too much in my pain, as there are those who still have much need. And there is still so much I can do to help. It doesn't take much to make someone else feel good. Sometimes good fortune just falls onto you. Maybe one day, I will be the recipient of someone else's generosity. Maybe good fortune is headed my way.